From the looks of this picture, daycare may seem to be a time where the children have the opportunity to play with puzzles, answer questions, play outside, read stories, and ultimately prepare for kindergarten.
Nope.
Daycare is absolute chaos. Even in the midst of structure, there is chaos. I will be trying to read a story while one precious little girl kicks and screams, a charming chubby-cheeked boy climbs on the shelves, and a dirty Disney-princess-boot wearing little beauty is rummaging through the toys, pretending that they are fruits and vegetables and cookies and if you move them the world will most certainly end. Some of the problem is the lack of routine. Some of it is home lives and the lack of attention these kids get. And still some is just the fact that they are 3 years old.
I had to stop and realize this week that my "schedule" and "plan" for getting the kids to listen cannot and will not work. I had to realize that it was not only silly of me, but also selfish of me, to expect that these children would be well-behaved and follow the rules and give me their undivided attention when I read them a story or do a silly dance for them. It's just that my brain always goes to "If this...then that."
If I dance with them, they will get all their energy out and settle down.
If I show them love for two minutes when they're being good, they'll be good for the rest of the day.
If I introduce this new discipline tactic, they will behave.
My Ifs and my Thens have not worked in the daycare world I live in 10-6 M-F. They have not worked and that kind of pisses me off.
Because there are theories! I learned about these theories! They say that kids just need _______________ and that ______________________ is best for them.
After I got angry about the theories not working, I got mad at the kids' behavior. And then I became angry about their parents and their home lives and thought what the heck is going on at home? Why are they being taught that this is okay?
And then, something happened.
It was the busiest time of the day - the time when all of the kids first awake from their naps and they have that adorable "Where am I?" look on their faces. Some of them cry and some of them run around like crazy hooligans. We try to get them all to go to the bathroom and sit down for snack. It usually feels like trying to herd all of the animals that needed to board Noah's ark without God's help.
Autumn* - precious Autumn. She is a three-year-old foster care child and came to daycare wearing a diaper and I had to change it. She wanted another diaper; the only thing available was a pull-up. She screamed. She stomped. She tried to open the door and said, "I want everyone to see me." She laughed because she thought going against my directions was funny and entertaining. She wiggled. It wasn't that she didn't want to wear her pretty pink pants. It was that she wanted to defy me, to basically spit in my face and tell me that I am not worth listening to. Her three-year-old body was almost strong enough to escape my protecting arms, but not quite. I held onto her firmly.
As I was holding onto her, time seemed to slow down and I thought how this - this kicking and screaming and stomping and wiggling away and trying to get away at all costs - this is me. This is me defying God and spitting in His face. This is me seeing his hurt and pain on the cross and kicking Him anyway. This is me trying to open the door and shame myself by saying "LOOK AT ME" and getting mad and screaming at God when he doesn't let me go. Or blaming Him if he does.
I repeated to her over and over what she needed to be doing in a gentle tone and kindly asked her to stop and told her that she was beautiful. On the inside, I was raging anger, but somehow the grace of God burned up that anger and from the ashes flowed circumstance-defying love toward this defiant little one.
And through this small, mundane, usual situation at the Daycare, I can see the good, good News - the Gospel - the Jesus Story - the Cross. And this only skims the top of His Love and only sheds light on a fraction of my rebellion.
This love. This love is a love worth pursuing. This love is a love that changes, that transforms, that changes my sinful anger into God-given grace.
Paul explains in Romans 5 that the epitome of that love is seen at the Cross. I'll let him do the explaining:
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ died for us.
Now I know why my Ifs and Thens aren't working. I know because the answer needs to be Christ, and Christ alone. There really aren't any answers. These kids are sinful, their parents are sinful, and I'm sinful.
And we all need Jesus.
For the first time, I am starting to understand what it truly means to be a Christian - to be a little Christ - to live out a Christian worldview. It's hard. It's hard, but it's worth it. It's hard, but it's beautiful. It's hard, but it's real.
