Oh, you know this picture - the Coffee and the Word. It's been a trend on Instagram since the start of this (in my humble opinion) wonderful social media avenue. I see these pictures and I think, Man - that person has a cool coffee cup. It's got that earthy-but-I'm-not-trying-to-be color scheme. It looks like this person is really enjoying reading the Bible. It looks like they're so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed- they must be so peaceful and joyful and refreshed if they're posting a picture like this."
And in my heart and in my mind, I am jealous of this person. Because, for a long time, reading my Bible has, in many ways, not been easy. I have often not enjoyed it. I have opened it thinking, "Oh, I hope there's nothing too confusing today." I have (wrongly) become internally angry when people ask me, "What have you been reading in the Bible?" I have felt heart-wrenched and uncertain and downright confused to the point of extreme anxiety. And I think to myself, Man - I really want to enjoy reading the Bible. I really want to be so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed after reading God's word.
But I have not been.
Looking at my journal from over the past year, these excerpts about sum it up:
Aug. 23, 2014 - God, Your Word doesn't feel good right now. It feels difficult and heavy.
Sept. 9, 2014 - I come to You, Lord, with a heavy heart. I am frustrated and worried and sad and uncertain, and I honestly could throw up.
Nov. 13th, 2014 - Actually, probably 9.5 times out of 10 I am CONFUSED. I'm confused about life. And denominations. I'm confused why life for me is awesome but life for others sucks. I'm confused why people aren't honest about their doubts and their shortcomings. Especially Christians. I'm confused why You would even create us if you knew we were going to suck this bad.
Dec. 30th, 2014 - God, is it okay that I might be wrong? I'm just so worried that I am wrong.
Feb. 19th, 2015 - God, I hate that I haven't been trusting You, that I've been cynical of Your Word. Every time I approach the Bible, it's not to receive life...it's to determine what stance I take on certain theological arguments.
I am not sure where this anxiety has come from.
I don't know if it's my desire to always know more about what others believe.
I don't know if it's my Biblical education at Cedarville.
I don't know if it's Christians' turn towards more in-depth theology and doctrine.
I don't know if it's the devil creepin' at my door, trying to lie and steal and destroy. (most likely this one)
** Disclaimer - I am not saying that any of the above things in and of themselves are bad or wrong or even hurtful. I am just saying that these are possible contributions to my confusion.**
What I do know is that the Bible is a book that explains the transforming nature of the Gospel - how through Jesus, we are transformed from ALIENS and ENEMIES to RECONCILED and HOLY CHILDREN.
Colossians 3:21-22
Once your were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation.
Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but your received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."
What I do know is that if I am broken and hurt and confused and weary, then I am more likely to RUN to JESUS for REST!! If I am burdened, I am in the perfect place to understand my need of Jesus - my need for His easy yoke, for His light burden, for His rest, for His gentleness, for His humble heart.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
What I do know is that even if my circumstances suck and my mind is confused and my heart is torn, God has provided salvation for those (including me!) who believe that God's Son, Jesus, died on the Cross for our sins and rose again because "it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him." (Acts 2:24b).
And now it's impossible for death to keep its hold on US!
Through the confusion and through the pain and through the evil schemes of the devil and through the trials,
WE ARE CONQUERORS IN JESUS. - Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us
WE HAVE VICTORY IN JESUS. - 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the moral with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in VICTORY."
"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
I am not sure that my confusion and my anxiety will go away in this lifetime. But I am sure of the Hope that is in Jesus and His life, death, and resurrection. I can read my Bible, knowing that I might not come out of it with all of the answers, but I will come out of it with a deep dependence on my Savior and a hunger to serve Him and others better.
K, peace out homies.
