K's Adoption

We have some crazy exciting news to share.

Soon, we will be able to take the heart emoji off K's adorable smile. We will be able to call "K" by his actual name, and we will be able to add Pancake to the end of it. K will be adopted into our family next week. And we couldn't be more excited.

Let me just tell you that this in no way was my plan. It is a story, K's story, written by the God who loves us. It has played out beautifully, in ways that I never expected and sometimes can't put into words.

When I got the call about K, I was at a teacher work day at school in October. I listened as the placement worker told me all the things she is supposed to: about his siblings, his behaviors, his past, etc. She told me the good and the bad, but mostly the bad. She told me that this would be more of a potential adoptive placement more than a foster placement, as his parents' rights had already been terminated. This made me really nervous. TJ and I decided to start foster care to foster. If adoption was an option (which usually takes a longgggggggggg time in foster care), then we would most likely be open to it, but it wasn't our first priority. (It still isn't, but that is for another post!)  I wasn't sure how I felt about our first foster care placement being an adoption situation right off the bat. What if we weren't ready to start a family? What if we weren't prepared for what a 9 year old boy was dealing with? Shouldn't we just get some experience first in foster care before we jump into adoption?

I got off the phone and immediately called TJ, excited but nervous. I would say I was about 30% ready to say yes.When we started the foster care process, I was the one super excited to start. But reality hit me, and I just got plain scared. Then, when it got real, TJ was the one who jumped at the chance to have a kid in our home. He immediately said, "Well, I know this wasn't the plan, but if our main goal is to provide kids with a home, then shouldn't we say yes?" He was at 90% yes - already.

His simple obedience inspired me to re-think about my questions. They were legitimate worries, but was I saying no out of faith or fear? When it came down to it, the answer was fear. We spent a weekend thinking, praying, and talking about the decision, but we finally decided on YES, YES, A THOUSAND YESES.

When K came to live with us, he fit right in (ask anyone who knows him!). He jumped right in to dance parties, laughing at jokes, and singing loud in the car. God sent neighbors that are his age at the exact time that he moved in with us, provided friends in his class and church, and gave him the most wonderful 2nd grade teacher. We couldn't believe how natural it felt.

BUT I had prepared my heart for foster care - the roller coaster of visits, court dates, the cheering on of the family while you have the kids, etc. There was none of that, but there was uncertainty about whether or not he would stay. There was a chance that he would be moved with other family, and although I wouldn't have admitted it, that terrified me. Everyday, we chose to love K because God had placed him in our family, for however long he was supposed to be a part of our family. It didn't matter whether or not he was leaving or staying; we were called to love him in the middle of uncertainty - a time that was weird for us, but I'm sure a thousand times more scary for him. I needed to be prepared for whatever God had in store for him, whether that was a sudden removal or a sudden forever.

A few months ago, K gave his life to Christ and asked to get baptized. In many ways on this journey, I feel like God is steering the wheel and I am just along for the ride. I watch God change K's life in the most wonderful of ways - right before my very eyes. And in that process, He also is changing me.

The world of foster care and adoption and the orphan crisis is a scary one. It is heartbreaking, it is hard, ordinary work, it is unrelenting chaos. But I have never so much believed that God is with me and that He is good. I have never so much trusted in His love for K and His love for me. God calls us to do the work of caring for the needy because doing justice is Godliness - it is just like God. (Just look at who Jesus, God incarnate, spent time with when he was on earth!) And when we do this work, He is with us. And when He is with us, we are strong enough to do the work. He straight-up tells us this way back in Isaiah 58. And then Jesus tells us again in Matthew 25:40 that when we serve the "least of these," we are serving Him.

I knew we were supposed to do it, but I didn't know it would look like this - so beautiful and broken and scary. I knew that we were called by God to care for the orphan, but I didn't know that caring for the orphan would push me closer to the heart of God and rest, like never before, in His love for me.

When we get close to the broken, we experience Jesus. When we are broken because of the broken, God is ever near.

Next week, K gets a new name. He gets to stay with us forever.

Throughout all of this, I have been struck by a facet of God that I knew about Him and thought was beautiful but had never experienced: He is Emmanuel, God with us. 

Here is Isaiah 58:

“Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
    Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel[a] of their sins!
2     Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
    and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
    that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
    pretending they want to be near me.
3 ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
    ‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
    and you don’t even notice it!’

“I will tell you why!” I respond.
    “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
    you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
    when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
    will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
    by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
    like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
    and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
    Do you really think this will please the Lord?

6 “No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
    lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
    and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
    and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
    and do not hide from relatives who need your help.

8 “Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
    and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
    and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
    ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.

“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
    Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
    and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
    and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
    giving you water when you are dry
    and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
    Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
    and a restorer of homes.

13 “Keep the Sabbath day holy.
    Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
    and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
    and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
    I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
    I, the Lord, have spoken!”

Foster Care & True Adventure

I can remember standing in the pews of Liberty Baptist Church as a teenager, where I started to get it all, this Gospel-love that satisfies our deepest desires and hopes and dreams. I can remember singing the lyrics to The Wonderful Cross.

Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Bids me come & die
And find that I may truly live.

I can remember singing the words and meaning them, but not quite understanding. I can remember thinking about what it meant to lay down my life, to pick up my cross, to die -- so that I could live.

Isn't this a weird thing about our faith? That we are called to lay down our lives so that we can live? This goes against everything that our culture and society and social media tell us - that true life comes through dying.

I've been thinking a lot about adventure because a lot of people on my news feed are hiking or starting businesses or traveling to Europe. This is what I would consider adventure. Isn't it what you would consider adventure? Daring to do something that pushes your limits and makes you think bigger and changes your perspective? 

But even the most amazing adventures - the jumping out of airplanes, the mission trips, the camps - are followed by a return to normal, to monotonous, to a job that we do or don't like, to a life we are unsure we want, to wearing ourselves out trying to make it. It's a reminder that even the best of the best adventure still doesn't satisfy.

So, I've been thinking: while those adventures are good and maybe even necessary, they aren't the real deal. They're close, they're on the right track, but they've missed the mark. Maybe True Adventure is in the laying it all down, in the giving it all up, in the surrender, in the dying.

There was no resurrection until there was a crucifixion.

I am about to embark on an adventure with my amazing husband, Teej. We are delving into the world of Foster Care. We have felt God press on our hearts with a certainty that we can't quite explain.

Most would not call our adventure an adventure, though. In fact, many have told us how the odds are stacked against us. Maybe they are not deliberately discouraging us from doing what God has called us to do. But we can hear it in their disapproving tone, in their story of foster-care failure, in their silence. They don't see Foster Care as True Adventure. They see Foster Care as a Life Sentence to misery.

I am currently on a plane on my way back to Dallas. I started thinking about this because I just heard Maria Goff talk about intention on Jamie Ivey's podcast "The Happy Hour" (highly recommend). She said something that stuck with me: that when you're living your life, you have to wave a white flag and declare, "THIS IS HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE! AND I'M GOING TO DO IT!"

It becomes all too easy to let our jobs and friends and churches and expectations and schedules run us. When this happens, we lose the opportunity to lay down our lives daily and intentionally seek out ways to serve, to give, to love, to die.

Sounds weird, right? Because dying?! --- dying isn't what we want! Dying is sad, causes grief, breeds pain. But that's the crazy truth of the Gospel:
Through the rejection, suffering, and sorrow of the Cross, Jesus came back to life.
Through the sadness, grief, and pain of choosing death of our selves, we gain new life.

True Joy is only found in the True Adventure.


And True Adventure is giving it all up.


And when we give it all up, that's where we find Jesus.


Because He gave it all up. He already lived the True Adventure, and He wants us to know the same love, the same hope, the same joy, that He does.


But the problem is - this True Adventure - it doesn't just show up at our doorstep. God doesn't send a message to us in our mailboxes, telling us the next step. This Adventure that God takes us on - this journey - there's no instruction guide.

Of course, I want to wait on God, to be sure that this is what He wants, but constantly waiting for a huge sign in the sky telling me what to do next is a little cray-cray. Yes, God wants us to trust Him, to pray for Him to move, but I don't think that should be apart from our actions. He wants us to move with Him, to live life with intention, to say, "I'm going to live my life THIS WAY," and then -- ACTUALLY DO IT.

I have ideas about what I want my life to be: I want to show others Jesus, I want to be generous, I want to be kind, loving, and hospitable, I want to be a good neighbor and friend, I want to mother the motherless and help the least of these. It's not that I have totally neglected these desires; some of these come out in my teaching or in our youth ministry or in my friendships or family relationships. But I've never intentionally decided: This is how I want my life to be. And this is how I'm going to do it.

Because surrender, dying, sacrifice - this stuff is hard. But, as Ann Voskamp says in The Broken Way, "spending yourself is how you multiply joy." So the way to true joy is through sacrifice. The way to abundance is giving it all away - time, money, love. It's backwards and it's hard, but it's what Jesus said too: "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." (John 12:25)


When we take up our cross and follow Christ, He gives us "life abundant." (John 10:10)

And so this is why I consider Foster Care part of our True Adventure. God has called us to "care for the widow and the orphan," and as people have pointed out to us, it ain't gon be easy.

BUT it's going to be worth it. And so...
-- we choose to open our home
so that little ones with no home
can experience the love, hope, and joy
of the Savior who left His home for us.

Update on our Foster Care journey: We are almost done paper work and waiting on scheduling our Home Study to be approved! We are so excited and would appreciate any prayer and encouragement you can give!

Lastly, an excerpt from Jeremiah 22 that really opened up my eyes to what God cares about:

“Woe to him who builds his palace by unrighteousness,
    his upper rooms by injustice,
making his own people work for nothing,
    not paying them for their labor.
14 He says, ‘I will build myself a great palace
    with spacious upper rooms.’
So he makes large windows in it,
    panels it with cedar
    and decorates it in red.

15 “Does it make you a king
    to have more and more cedar?
Did not your father have food and drink?
    He did what was right and just,
    so all went well with him.
16 He defended the cause of the poor and needy,
    and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?”
    declares the Lord.
17 “But your eyes and your heart
    are set only on dishonest gain,
on shedding innocent blood
    and on oppression and extortion.”

Your Life Still Matters

I have noticed a trend these days. It is a trend of praising and glorifying women who start businesses, who step out in faith, who do extraordinary things, travel, speak in front of thousands, who write and have their words read by millions. We praise them because we should praise them. Because women have real voices and ideas and dreams and are accomplishing those dreams and that's stinking awesome.

I am definitely not bashing this move toward reading and listening to intelligent, God-fearing women. I'm all about it. In fact, I listen to Jamie Ivey's podcast, "The Happy Hour," to and from work because it's SO much better than listening to the same five pop songs on the radio (for real). I so love listening to their stories, how they're growing in Jesus, how they're turning their dreams into realities, and what that looks like as a mom and a wife and a follower of Christ. It inspires me, makes me want to get up off my butt and do something for the kingdom. It makes me think big, dream big, hope big. And I love all of those things and all of these women.

But I think we may be entering dangerous territory, here.

Because sometimes, when I'm listening to this podcast, or reading a story about a woman entrepreneur, or following a Christian woman blogger/foster mom on Instagram, I start to believe a lie. I start to believe a lie that my everyday, hard, teaching job is not important. I start to  think that what I'm doing in our youth ministry, serving and loving high school and middle school girls, is not enough.

Maybe I should do something bigger. Maybe I should write a Bible study or start a program for foster families or DO SOMETHING BIG. Because big is what feels exciting and awesome and where people find God?

In the word of Donald Trump, WRONG.

My life as a teacher, as a wife, as a youth leader matters. The work that I do - day in and day out - matters. My friend Lindsay's life as a wife and mom of a three-year-old matters. Does someone hear about her story everyday? No. My sister's journey toward becoming a nurse, and my friend Carly's career as a nurse - it matters. My mom's relationships with people that no one else sees - her mentor-ship and her love for them - it is of high value.

We don't have do do big and glorious things to impact the Kingdom, to be excited about God, to see His faithfulness in our everyday life. In fact, if we think we have do something that everyone in the world will see and love in order to make God happy, then I think we are looking in the wrong places.

No, real Gospel change, real post-Jesus, I'm-in-love-with-Him change happens in the everyday, small acts of washing dishes and redirecting in a classroom and helping an elderly man get back to his hospital bed. And I am sure those wonderful women starting businesses are doing that too. But I want to call attention to the quiet, faithful people who, knowing they will receive no recognition, complete small, ordinary acts of extraordinary love. These people mirror the faithfulness of God.

Because the everyday, down-and-dirty, clean the bathroom, love-choice shows and treasures Jesus just as much as the big-picture, I'm-starting-an-amazing-non-profit, social-media posts. If I may be so bold, the first matters shows and treasures Him more.

Because did Jesus come to earth clothed in a royal robe and riding on a magnificent horse and chariot? Did He rush to a throne and demand for praise and honor and for all to bow down to the one and only true King? Did he arrive with angel's trumpets and  people praising His name? Was Jesus crowned with a crown that He deserves, lined with jewels and diamonds and rubies of highest quality?

No, Jesus came to earth, born from a girl who experienced the judgment and scorn from the "religious" when they saw that she was having a baby (if they only knew!) out of wedlock. Jesus was born a baby, in a stable with a bunch of dirty animals. Jesus humbly spoke the truth in love, often calling people out on their crap and loving people when they least deserved it. Jesus was given a crown of thorns, a crown that mocked and tore at His skin. He was sentenced to a death that He didn't deserve and rejection from His father because he bore the curse that should have been ours.

It's upside-down, peeps. God's Kingdom works backwards. And when we faithfully serve, and consistently love, and show up for the broken, the sinners, the least-of-these, the needy, the sick, the vulnerable, and when we do it without the recognition or acknowledgement that we deserve, that is when He shapes us to become more like Him - humble, truthful, kind, loving, etc.

I used to get upset when people would say, "God's Kingdom is not about you." This statement would confuse me and cause me to question my faith. I would think Well, God, then I guess it's all about you and we don't even matter. 

Years later, looking back I realize that the original statement is true, and that I got the interpretation all wrong. I was all out of wack - still somehow thinking only about myself. Now I understand that our lives, our choices, our thoughts, our every-days matter to God. We are valuable to God. BUT He knows that we only experience the true joy of knowing Him when we give it all up. 

It's not about our worth or our value; it's about our joy and our willingness to put it all on the line for the Gospel, the stinking-good-news. And we do that in the mundane, every-day tasks, the menial folding, the call to our best friend when it may not be the best time, the thoughtful note sent, the kiss on a cheek to a tired and worn-out husband, the forgiveness given to someone who doesn't deserve it, the pulling-in of someone who is on the outskirts, the perseverance in love when your kid defies you, the decorating for a night to honor someone.

JESUS is in these things, y'all, as much as He is in the life-changing campaigns and businesses and non-profits. And I'm working everyday to believe it.

These verses in Philippians 2:6-8 remind me of the kind of amazing God we serve, and it makes me want to be more like Him everyday:

Though he was God, 
he did not think of equality with God 
as something to cling to.

Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; 
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.

When he appeared in human form, 
he humbled himself in obedience to God 
and died a criminal's death on a cross.

When the LIVING the Gospel is Hard in the Classroom

I teach three sections of a public school 8th grade Spanish 1 class. I am also a 7th and 8th grade volleyball, basketball, and track coach. My days are busy. I coach in sweats, change into professional clothes, sometimes head to sponsor Spanish Club or FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes), use my planning period (usually fixing the copier), teach 3 classes, run to the gym, change back into sweats, and coach again. It is the most interesting and most difficult job I have ever had.  I started the year, as most teachers do, with extreme optimism, thinking of all of the way that I was going to be able to "make an impact," to "show them Jesus," "to get my students pumped about learning Spanish." As the year has gone on, one of my classes has become increasingly difficult to deal with.

Let me give some perspective. In each of my classes, I have a "tally" system, where if the students listen to directions, complete work quietly, and give me their attention when I ask for it, they earn a tally. When they get to five tallies, they receive a reward. We have played soccer, done a drawing for a gift card, and, this past week, every class (except this class in particular) watched the movie Selena and ate popcorn and candy.

This class {barely} received 3 tallies this time around. It has been a daily struggle. When I ask them to complete work quietly, they immediately begin talking to their neighbor about almost anything else. Several students claim they don't understand a single word on the paper given to them (even though these are words on a vocabulary list that we have been studying for weeks). Others simply refuse to work, putting their heads on their desks. Some ask to go to the bathroom to get out of doing their work, to which I respond, "No, you haven't started your work." You can imagine their responses. Many of them roll their eyes as I ask them to put their phones away. Still others quietly get to work, trying their best to do the work that is required to acquire a new language.


I came to a breaking point last week. The lesson I had prepared was entirely too difficult, especially for this class. I asked them to use highlighters. Some of them were throwing them, some drawing on their faces (remember, these are EIGHTH GRADERS), others trying to do their work (but doing it incorrectly and getting frustrated).  I tried to reexplain, but that did not work. I finally decided to just give them the answers so that we could work through it together after. But as I was reading the answers, 80% of the students were looking around the room with blank faces, acting like they had no idea what was going on. I looked at one student in particular and said, "WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!!!" I hadn't yet realized that students had drawn on their faces.

That, clearly, is what set me over the edge. I went to the bag of highlighters, angrily grabbed them, and, as the bell rang, I said, "BYE," in a voice that was 90% angry mom and 10% sarcastic valley girl. 

Needless to say, I was not happy. In fact, I started to cry IN THE HALLWAY (insert embarrassed emoji) to one of my coworkers. She (thank the LORD) led me into her office and let me cry and told me some stuff about how everyone has bad classes and I'm not the only one and it's not all my fault. I thanked her, went to the track to coach my girls, and decided to run the mile with them to get some anger out and clear my head. 

That helped a little. But this issue in this particular class has been a problem since we got back from Christmas break (that's LONG in school time, people). It has seemed as though it would never go away. I found myself asking God why the heck he was letting this go on for so long and asking him why he wouldn't just take it away. Why couldn't these children just listen? Why didn't they respect me? Why was I not making an impact? Why do are You setting me up to make me feel like I'm failing at the ONE THING I'm actually good at? 

It's not that I hadn't been asking for God's help before. I have been. The entire year. Last week, I wrote to Him about it. And I felt like I should write my students a letter. I wrote them a letter declaring that I loved them, even though that our class was hard. I wrote every student's name down and next to it what I loved about them. I told them that I would make mistakes and that I hoped that they would forgive me, but I also said that I was going to continue to fight to teach them and to hold them accountable for their actions. Because the moment I stop doing that is the moment that I give up on them. 

That did approximately nothing to help the situation at hand. I felt helpless, hopeless - like nothing would help this class. I felt stuck.

Then, Friday happened. I had wondered all night and all day about what I should do. One of my coworkers, the same one who pushed me in the office when I was crying, suggested that I just show them the movie. "It would be easier for them AND for you. It would give you all a break." Another coworker said, "Yeah, give them a little grace." 

GRACE?! I thought "I've already shown them TOO MUCH grace!" I said, without even thinking. 

Too much grace? Did God show us too much grace when He sent Jesus, the King of the World, to be born as a helpless child? Did God show us too much grace when He healed the sick and gave rest to the weary and called out to the poor and the helpless and the ashamed and the outcasts? Did God show us too much grace when He sent His very own Son to the Cross, the Son who knew no sin, to die for the World that broke His heart? 

Yes. He did. He showed us too much grace. 

I showed the movie. 

Of course, we had a talk first. I said this, "Guys, yesterday was a disaster. I planned an activity that was too difficult for you guys. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But then you guys didn't cooperate. You talked when I asked you not to. You drew on your faces with markers. You didn't listen when I was trying to give you the answers. Do I think you deserve to watch the movie? No, I really don't. (Some students even chimed in here - saying, "No way!" and "No, especially not me.")  You guys have had countless opportunities to earn tallies - even EASY tallies - and you basically throw them away. However, do I believe in grace? Yes, I do." 

Student: "What's grace?" 

Me: "Grace is getting something you don't deserve." 

Student: "I thought that was mercy." 

Me *in my head* WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?? 

Me *out loud*: "Yeah, well they're actually a little different." 

I had a total blank on the definition of mercy. So, a student looked it up for me: 

Student: " Mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm." 

Another student: Like in movies, when someone says, "Have mercy!" when they are about to be shot!

Me: Yes, exactly like that. So, grace and mercy are kind of intertwined. So, we're going to watch the movie.

We watched the movie. They were quiet. They asked questions, but respectfully. They left with smiles on their faces, giving me a high-five on their way out the door as I told them to have a great Spring Break. The joy in my heart was unspeakable. 

The Gospel - that good stuff - is so beautiful. It's so wonderful to know the redemption and the grace and the mercy and the LOVE of our Lord Jesus Christ. 

But knowing where we've come from - from hardship, pain, disrespect for authority, chaos - is the only way we can understand how GOOD the Grace is and how much BETTER our Father is. 

It's hard to live the Gospel. It's hard to show grace when they just REALLY don't deserve it. But we really didn't deserve it either, and our Wonderful Father gave it to us! 

And when we do that for others, His beauty shines right through us, like a light in the darkness, like quiet in the chaos. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even then. 

I'm Afraid to Read my Bible

Oh, you know this picture - the Coffee and the Word. It's been a trend on Instagram since the start of this (in my humble opinion) wonderful social media avenue.  I see these pictures and I think, Man - that person has a cool coffee cup. It's got that earthy-but-I'm-not-trying-to-be color scheme. It looks like this person is really enjoying reading the Bible. It looks like they're so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed- they must be so peaceful and joyful and refreshed if they're posting a picture like this." 

And in my heart and in my mind, I am jealous of this person. Because, for a long time, reading my Bible has, in many ways, not been easy. I have often not enjoyed it. I have opened it thinking, "Oh, I hope there's nothing too confusing today."  I have (wrongly) become internally angry when people ask me, "What have you been reading in the Bible?"  I have felt heart-wrenched and uncertain and downright confused to the point of extreme anxiety. And I think to myself, Man - I really want to enjoy reading the Bible. I really want to be so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed after reading God's word. 

But I have not been. 

Looking at my journal from over the past year, these excerpts about sum it up: 

Aug. 23, 2014 - God, Your Word doesn't feel good right now. It feels difficult and heavy.

Sept. 9, 2014 - I come to You, Lord, with a heavy heart. I am frustrated and worried and sad and uncertain, and I honestly could throw up.

Nov. 13th, 2014 - Actually, probably 9.5 times out of 10 I am CONFUSED. I'm confused about life. And denominations. I'm confused why life for me is awesome but life for others sucks. I'm confused why people aren't honest about their doubts and their shortcomings. Especially Christians. I'm confused why You would even create us if you knew we were going to suck this bad. 

Dec.  30th, 2014 - God, is it okay that I might be wrong? I'm just so worried that I am wrong. 

Feb. 19th, 2015 - God, I hate that I haven't been trusting You, that I've been cynical of Your Word. Every time I approach the Bible, it's not to receive life...it's to determine what stance I take on certain theological arguments.

I am not sure where this anxiety has come from. 

I don't know if it's my desire to always know more about what others believe.

I don't know if it's my Biblical education at Cedarville. 

I don't know if it's Christians' turn towards more in-depth theology and doctrine. 

I don't know if it's the devil creepin' at my door, trying to lie and steal and destroy. (most likely this one)

** Disclaimer - I am not saying that any of the above things in and of themselves are bad or wrong or even hurtful. I am just saying that these are possible contributions to my confusion.**

What I do know is that the Bible is a book that explains the transforming nature of the Gospel - how through Jesus, we are transformed from ALIENS and ENEMIES to RECONCILED and HOLY CHILDREN. 

Colossians 3:21-22

Once your were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation. 

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but your received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."  

What I do know is that if I am broken and hurt and confused and weary, then I am more likely to RUN to JESUS for REST!! If I am burdened, I am in the perfect place to understand my need of Jesus - my need for His easy yoke, for His light burden, for His rest, for His gentleness, for His humble heart. 

Matthew 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

What I do know is that even if my circumstances suck and my mind is confused and my heart is torn, God has provided salvation for those (including me!) who believe that God's Son, Jesus, died on the Cross for our sins and rose again because "it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him." (Acts 2:24b). 

And now it's impossible for death to keep its hold on US!

Through the confusion and through the pain and through the evil schemes of the devil and through the trials, 

WE ARE CONQUERORS IN JESUS. - Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us

WE HAVE VICTORY IN JESUS. - 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the moral with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in VICTORY."

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" 

I am not sure that my confusion and my anxiety will go away in this lifetime. But I am sure of the Hope that is in Jesus and His life, death, and resurrection. I can read my Bible, knowing that I might not come out of it with all of the answers, but I will come out of it with a deep dependence on my Savior and a hunger to serve Him and others better. 

K, peace out homies. 

Why Taylor Swift is My Girl

Say what you want, Taylor Swift is my girl.

As I entered in the scary world of high school, she made me feel like I wasn't the only one who obsessed over boys who would never like me back in Teardrops on my Guitar. 

Towards the end of high school, she inspired me to dance in the rain in my best dress, though I wasn't quite as Fearless as she proclaimed to be.

When I experienced the awkwardness of my first year of college, Tay was there, narrating my life through her album Speak Now. (I may or may not have bawled my eyes out to Dear John while at the same time mesmerized that Taylor somehow helped me deal with crap that I didn't want to deal with.)

And then, RED. My college roommate, Megan, and I skipped classes to go get it the morning it came out, and I listened to the CD all the way to King's Island with my now-husband the first time we ever hung out. She rocked my world with her pretty duets and her new beats and her deliberate lyrics. She also sang me happy birthday, which I wasn't mad about.

As if she wasn't real (and cool) enough, she then decided to make 1989, which is basically her diary of the "new style of music" that she had "woken up every day not wanting, but needing to write." She's changing and becoming the person she wants to be, and she's telling us all about it with sick (newer) beats and raw honesty in 1989. 

I'm not as weirdly obsessed with Taylor Swift as you may think based on this post. I just really like when people are honest - 

when they tell what they're doing 

and who they are 

and who they wanted to become but didn't 

and where they wanted to go and went

and of the love and joy that they desire and occasionally obtain

and of the hurt and sorrow that brings them down, reminding them of their humanness 

And she's not stopping anytime soon (or at least I hope so)

There is this one song - Out of the Woods. I didn't get it at first, but it really interested me. 

She sings: 

Are we out of the woods yet?

Are we out of the woods yet? 

Are we out of the woods yet? 

Are we out of the woods? 

Are we in the clear yet? 

Are we in the clear yet? 

Are we in the clear yet? 

In the clear yet? Good. 

I don't know Taylor, but I like to read the little note she writes on the inside of her album cover. Here is an excerpt: 

I wrote about looking back on a lost love and understanding that nothing good comes without loss and hardship and constant struggle. There is no "riding off into the sunset," like I used to imagine. We are never out of the woods, because we are always going to be fighting for something.

After about 30 listens and reading her note, I realized that she's talking about a relationship of extremes, of seasons - a relationship that goes from the exciting OH MY WORD I LOVE YOU, LET ME KISS YOUR FACE to the heartbreaking I'm leaving you because you weren't good enough to fight for. 

Even the fabulous Taylor Swift admits that we always think we have a chance at love, but we're really just "two paper airplanes flying." We think that we have the ability and potential to reach great heights, to fly in the clouds. But we're really just replicas - just paper-crafted creations. We really don't have the potential to reach anywhere but down; to fly anywhere but the carpeted floor two feet away from the take-off. We're never really out of the woods. 

Depressing. 

It is depressing. It's sad to think that our relationships, jobs, husbands, kids, dinners, cookies, brownies, bodies, grades will never measure up. They won't be what we conjured them up to be - heck, they won't even come close. We are mere replicas of what we were created to be. Taylor is yearning to be out of the woods, and so am I. So is creation. So is everybody. 

We all want to be in the clear. 

I don't know about you, but the longer I'm in these woods, the more I realize that I can't get out on my own. Even with my Katniss-like skillz, I would not be able to get out of 

We can't get out of the woods on our own. We can't make it to the clear. No matter how hard we try, we can't rid ourselves of the poverty, sex trafficking, unrealistic expectations, selfishness, gossip, complaining mouths, complaining hearts, suffering, confusion, doubt, death. 

We need a Rescuer. We need Someone willing to come in, wade through the brush,

My hope is in the fact that Jesus is going to redeem - that He will set the slaves free - that he will set the world right. He promises to, and I don't know how he's going to, and sometimes I don't trust that He will, and sometimes I just can't see how the suffering that I see and the suffering that is hidden from my eyes could be part of His plan. 

But I hope. 

Because He's been Faithful, and He'll continue to be Faithful. 

He will...lead us out of the woods (SORRY I HAD TO) 

And I want Taylor to know that. 

I want everyone to know that.

I want everyone to know Him.

Jesus.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, [i]in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons,the redemption of our body. 

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Romans 8:18-25

Post Cedarville

Freshman Year

A wide-eyed girl from Delaware shows up in middle-of-nowhere Ohio at a tiny Christian university for who knows why except that she loved Jesus and liked softball and kind of had a thing for a guy who lived in Ohio. The Fall Bible Conference tugged her heart. Inner-city ministry tugged her heart. A boy she knew wasn't good for her tugged her heart. Tugged it and tugged it until it broke.

Sophomore Year

The wide-eyed girl from Delaware is not so wide-eyed anymore. She comes back to her school, hoping against hope that it will save her from a summer where nothing seemed to go her way. She is an RA and is leading other girls and feels the depth and the unbelievable desperation of inadequacy in her life as a people-pleaser. 

And she comes to the conclusion that Jesus is the only One she needs to please anyway, and that somehow, some way, that is enough. She finally understands that a relationship and a boy and a marriage and a family and a thousand friends who love her and care about her and look up to her is not what satisfies--it is not the answer. But she's still trying to figure it out. 

Junior Year 

The wide-eyed girl comes back from a summer of change--too much change. Her eyes are a little less wide, a little more squinty, a little more cynical, a little less hopeful. Her family moves; they don't move to Maryland. They don't move to Missouri even. They move to Wyoming. And it's 26 hours away from her. And she acts like it's not a big deal, but it is. Deep down, she knows that it is. 

She meets a boy, but she is skeptical of him. They date. She goes to Valencia, Spain on a 4-month trip to try to learn a language and live with a Spanish family and explore a different part of the world. She does. But she also finds out things about herself that she never knew--things that she hates--and spends way too much time alone and and finds out that there is more to the world than the United States and there are people that matter and there are situations she didn't know were even occurring. She continues to date the boy. She is still skeptical of him, but she likes the way he's committed and she likes his brown eyes and how he talks to her about theology. She likes him. She doesn't like him. She almost breaks up with him. She decides to stick it out. 

Senior Year

The girl comes back to Cedarville with different eyes, no longer wide at all. She spends the summer with that same boy. She falls in love with him. And she didn't know what love would feel like, but she likes it. And then, all of a sudden, the beginning of school starts. And there's the Fall Bible Conference again, and the Worship Night, and there is a barbecue at her friends' house. But it's different now. She had always read about the room spinning when people get anxious, but she didn't know it could actually happen. For the first time ever, she felt awkward talking to people. She couldn't get the words out, and she felt alone in a room full of 20 people, people she called friends. Because in a room full of same, she felt so different.

So she left that barbecue. She just walked away. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't "do life" at Cedarville University for the next four months. After what she experienced and what she saw and the hopelessness and Jesuslessness she saw in Spain, she felt sick about her life at Cedarville. She didn't know how to live for Christ in a world that was so broken, but so covered up by Christian Hipsterdom and intentional coffee and Discipleship groups and even plain old ministry. 

And from there, it got worse. 

It started by hating unauthentic Christian words. 

She hears words like "community" and "covenant" and "The Lord" and "your walk" and "prayer journal" and "obey" and she starts to fidget, unable to control her own body. She wants to punch a wall clean through. She hears it and feels the pang in her heart, and she pushes it down, and thinks: Stop thinking so negatively about this, Karly. You are better than this. You are. 

But you know what? 

I wasn't better than that. I wasn't. 

You know who is? 

Jesus is better than that. Jesus is better than the words that I hate and the people I don't understand and the Christian classes and the feeling of loneliness in a college full of 3,000 people. 

Jesus is better than me. Did I have a right to feel that way? No. Should I have felt that way? No.  

Did Jesus cover that for me? Yes. Yes yes yes yes. He did. He does.