I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be with God, or more truly, for God to be with me. It's an interesting thought. I usually am thinking about what God can do for me, or what I can do for God, or how I can improve my relationship with God, or how I can be a "better follower of Jesus."
When Jesus came to earth, He didn't consider equality with God his "right." He instead gave up His "right" to Heaven, to perfect love, to no problems and no sickness and no silly humans and made himself nothing for the sake of the world. Although Jesus probably has thousands of names in Heaven, the Angel only told Mary about two of them: Jesus and Immanuel. His name, Jesus, tells us what He was would do -- save the world from their sins. But Immanuel answered an even more complicated question. Immanuel told us who He would be -- God with us.
Most of you probably can tell that our life right now is a little crazy. My husband, TJ, is in seminary, working to finish his Master's of Divinity in preaching. He is working at our church, The Well, as a youth pastor. I am a full-time teacher, Student Council sponsor, and a youth leader for middle school and high school. We adopted Kendrick, our first child, a 10-year-old, in August. We took in our second foster placement in October and had him for about a month. We live in Denton but do most of our life in Argyle. Kendrick plays basketball and piano. We are a part of a small group, TJ leads a college Bible study, and we are lucky if we get to make two good meals at home each week.
It's safe to say that in this season (maybe it's every season, but especially this one), we trust in Jesus as the Savior of the world, and the Savior of us. We believe in what He has done for us and what He continues to do for us. Honestly, this is not a difficult one to believe in the moment of, I forgot Kendrick's basketball stuff or I flipped on a student when I shouldn't have or I didn't do everything I could have done to reach that kid. I mean, the crazy, chaos, and mistakes of life brings me to my knees and reminds me every day that I need a Savior to save me from the mess of it all.
But Immanuel? Immanuel is a different story. Mary has an interesting story because in the middle of her crazy, God didn't just save her; he was literally with her, inside her -- a baby. God came in the middle of her normal, ordinary, everyday life and forced her to slow down, to feel him kick, to prepare to welcome a baby into the world. I've never been pregnant or given birth, but I know many friends have had babies and pregnancy can almost be a forced slow-down for some people. They suddenly realize: Oh, I can't run very fast or lift too much or stand on my feet for too long. I have to rest. I wonder if Jesus, in Mary's belly, nudged her to a different kind of rest - a rest of knowing that He would save, yes, but also that he was with her. That he would never leave her or abandon her. That he gave up everything to be with her - to be with the world.
In the middle of a chaotic week, sure, I can remember Jesus' name, the Savior. I call on Him to get me out of things, to push me to do better and be kinder and love harder.
But do I remember Jesus' other name - Immanuel? Do I remember that God wasn't just with Mary and with His disciples, that He gave up honor and glory and praise to be with me - Immanuel?
It's impossible for Jesus' names to be mutually exclusive. He isn't Jesus without Immanuel, or Immanuel without Jesus, but how often do we think of Him as the Savior of the World without mentioning that He is also God With Us?
I've always been confused about my perceived dichotomy in the Bible about serving others and loving others versus resting and abiding in Jesus. I've realized that when Jesus tells us to take a "real rest" (in the Message version of Matthew 11:28), He's not telling us to slack off and stop "laying down our lives for our friends" and "taking up our cross," and "losing our life so that we can find it." Instead, He's saying that the only true way we can lay down our lives and take up our cross and lose our life is by being with Him. We were never meant to do it alone.
That's why He came: to be Jesus, the Savior, and Immanuel, the God-with-us.
He never left. But in my over-busy, extra-ordinary, every-day life, I miss Him because I'm often thinking about what I can do for Him without realizing that I can't do anything for Him until I abide in Him.
This Christmas season, I want to push to see God and let Him be with me. I want to find those "unforced rhythms of Grace." I want to be with God just for the sake of being with him. No reason. No motive. Just His presence. Immanuel.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
K's Adoption
We have some crazy exciting news to share.
Soon, we will be able to take the heart emoji off K's adorable smile. We will be able to call "K" by his actual name, and we will be able to add Pancake to the end of it. K will be adopted into our family next week. And we couldn't be more excited.
Let me just tell you that this in no way was my plan. It is a story, K's story, written by the God who loves us. It has played out beautifully, in ways that I never expected and sometimes can't put into words.
When I got the call about K, I was at a teacher work day at school in October. I listened as the placement worker told me all the things she is supposed to: about his siblings, his behaviors, his past, etc. She told me the good and the bad, but mostly the bad. She told me that this would be more of a potential adoptive placement more than a foster placement, as his parents' rights had already been terminated. This made me really nervous. TJ and I decided to start foster care to foster. If adoption was an option (which usually takes a longgggggggggg time in foster care), then we would most likely be open to it, but it wasn't our first priority. (It still isn't, but that is for another post!) I wasn't sure how I felt about our first foster care placement being an adoption situation right off the bat. What if we weren't ready to start a family? What if we weren't prepared for what a 9 year old boy was dealing with? Shouldn't we just get some experience first in foster care before we jump into adoption?
I got off the phone and immediately called TJ, excited but nervous. I would say I was about 30% ready to say yes.When we started the foster care process, I was the one super excited to start. But reality hit me, and I just got plain scared. Then, when it got real, TJ was the one who jumped at the chance to have a kid in our home. He immediately said, "Well, I know this wasn't the plan, but if our main goal is to provide kids with a home, then shouldn't we say yes?" He was at 90% yes - already.
His simple obedience inspired me to re-think about my questions. They were legitimate worries, but was I saying no out of faith or fear? When it came down to it, the answer was fear. We spent a weekend thinking, praying, and talking about the decision, but we finally decided on YES, YES, A THOUSAND YESES.
When K came to live with us, he fit right in (ask anyone who knows him!). He jumped right in to dance parties, laughing at jokes, and singing loud in the car. God sent neighbors that are his age at the exact time that he moved in with us, provided friends in his class and church, and gave him the most wonderful 2nd grade teacher. We couldn't believe how natural it felt.
BUT I had prepared my heart for foster care - the roller coaster of visits, court dates, the cheering on of the family while you have the kids, etc. There was none of that, but there was uncertainty about whether or not he would stay. There was a chance that he would be moved with other family, and although I wouldn't have admitted it, that terrified me. Everyday, we chose to love K because God had placed him in our family, for however long he was supposed to be a part of our family. It didn't matter whether or not he was leaving or staying; we were called to love him in the middle of uncertainty - a time that was weird for us, but I'm sure a thousand times more scary for him. I needed to be prepared for whatever God had in store for him, whether that was a sudden removal or a sudden forever.
A few months ago, K gave his life to Christ and asked to get baptized. In many ways on this journey, I feel like God is steering the wheel and I am just along for the ride. I watch God change K's life in the most wonderful of ways - right before my very eyes. And in that process, He also is changing me.
The world of foster care and adoption and the orphan crisis is a scary one. It is heartbreaking, it is hard, ordinary work, it is unrelenting chaos. But I have never so much believed that God is with me and that He is good. I have never so much trusted in His love for K and His love for me. God calls us to do the work of caring for the needy because doing justice is Godliness - it is just like God. (Just look at who Jesus, God incarnate, spent time with when he was on earth!) And when we do this work, He is with us. And when He is with us, we are strong enough to do the work. He straight-up tells us this way back in Isaiah 58. And then Jesus tells us again in Matthew 25:40 that when we serve the "least of these," we are serving Him.
I knew we were supposed to do it, but I didn't know it would look like this - so beautiful and broken and scary. I knew that we were called by God to care for the orphan, but I didn't know that caring for the orphan would push me closer to the heart of God and rest, like never before, in His love for me.
When we get close to the broken, we experience Jesus. When we are broken because of the broken, God is ever near.
Next week, K gets a new name. He gets to stay with us forever.
Throughout all of this, I have been struck by a facet of God that I knew about Him and thought was beautiful but had never experienced: He is Emmanuel, God with us.
Here is Isaiah 58:
Let me just tell you that this in no way was my plan. It is a story, K's story, written by the God who loves us. It has played out beautifully, in ways that I never expected and sometimes can't put into words.
When I got the call about K, I was at a teacher work day at school in October. I listened as the placement worker told me all the things she is supposed to: about his siblings, his behaviors, his past, etc. She told me the good and the bad, but mostly the bad. She told me that this would be more of a potential adoptive placement more than a foster placement, as his parents' rights had already been terminated. This made me really nervous. TJ and I decided to start foster care to foster. If adoption was an option (which usually takes a longgggggggggg time in foster care), then we would most likely be open to it, but it wasn't our first priority. (It still isn't, but that is for another post!) I wasn't sure how I felt about our first foster care placement being an adoption situation right off the bat. What if we weren't ready to start a family? What if we weren't prepared for what a 9 year old boy was dealing with? Shouldn't we just get some experience first in foster care before we jump into adoption?
I got off the phone and immediately called TJ, excited but nervous. I would say I was about 30% ready to say yes.When we started the foster care process, I was the one super excited to start. But reality hit me, and I just got plain scared. Then, when it got real, TJ was the one who jumped at the chance to have a kid in our home. He immediately said, "Well, I know this wasn't the plan, but if our main goal is to provide kids with a home, then shouldn't we say yes?" He was at 90% yes - already.
His simple obedience inspired me to re-think about my questions. They were legitimate worries, but was I saying no out of faith or fear? When it came down to it, the answer was fear. We spent a weekend thinking, praying, and talking about the decision, but we finally decided on YES, YES, A THOUSAND YESES.
When K came to live with us, he fit right in (ask anyone who knows him!). He jumped right in to dance parties, laughing at jokes, and singing loud in the car. God sent neighbors that are his age at the exact time that he moved in with us, provided friends in his class and church, and gave him the most wonderful 2nd grade teacher. We couldn't believe how natural it felt.
BUT I had prepared my heart for foster care - the roller coaster of visits, court dates, the cheering on of the family while you have the kids, etc. There was none of that, but there was uncertainty about whether or not he would stay. There was a chance that he would be moved with other family, and although I wouldn't have admitted it, that terrified me. Everyday, we chose to love K because God had placed him in our family, for however long he was supposed to be a part of our family. It didn't matter whether or not he was leaving or staying; we were called to love him in the middle of uncertainty - a time that was weird for us, but I'm sure a thousand times more scary for him. I needed to be prepared for whatever God had in store for him, whether that was a sudden removal or a sudden forever.
A few months ago, K gave his life to Christ and asked to get baptized. In many ways on this journey, I feel like God is steering the wheel and I am just along for the ride. I watch God change K's life in the most wonderful of ways - right before my very eyes. And in that process, He also is changing me.
The world of foster care and adoption and the orphan crisis is a scary one. It is heartbreaking, it is hard, ordinary work, it is unrelenting chaos. But I have never so much believed that God is with me and that He is good. I have never so much trusted in His love for K and His love for me. God calls us to do the work of caring for the needy because doing justice is Godliness - it is just like God. (Just look at who Jesus, God incarnate, spent time with when he was on earth!) And when we do this work, He is with us. And when He is with us, we are strong enough to do the work. He straight-up tells us this way back in Isaiah 58. And then Jesus tells us again in Matthew 25:40 that when we serve the "least of these," we are serving Him.
I knew we were supposed to do it, but I didn't know it would look like this - so beautiful and broken and scary. I knew that we were called by God to care for the orphan, but I didn't know that caring for the orphan would push me closer to the heart of God and rest, like never before, in His love for me.
When we get close to the broken, we experience Jesus. When we are broken because of the broken, God is ever near.
Next week, K gets a new name. He gets to stay with us forever.
Throughout all of this, I have been struck by a facet of God that I knew about Him and thought was beautiful but had never experienced: He is Emmanuel, God with us.
Here is Isaiah 58:
“Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel[a] of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you don’t even notice it!’
Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel[a] of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you don’t even notice it!’
“I will tell you why!” I respond.
“It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?
“It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?
6 “No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
8 “Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
13 “Keep the Sabbath day holy.
Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”
Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”
Monday, June 19, 2017
Foster Care & True Adventure
I can remember standing in the pews of Liberty Baptist Church as a teenager, where I started to get it all, this Gospel-love that satisfies our deepest desires and hopes and dreams. I can remember singing the lyrics to The Wonderful Cross.
Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Bids me come & die
And find that I may truly live.
I can remember singing the words and meaning them, but not quite understanding. I can remember thinking about what it meant to lay down my life, to pick up my cross, to die -- so that I could live.
Isn't this a weird thing about our faith? That we are called to lay down our lives so that we can live? This goes against everything that our culture and society and social media tell us - that true life comes through dying.
I've been thinking a lot about adventure because a lot of people on my news feed are hiking or starting businesses or traveling to Europe. This is what I would consider adventure. Isn't it what you would consider adventure? Daring to do something that pushes your limits and makes you think bigger and changes your perspective?
But even the most amazing adventures - the jumping out of airplanes, the mission trips, the camps - are followed by a return to normal, to monotonous, to a job that we do or don't like, to a life we are unsure we want, to wearing ourselves out trying to make it. It's a reminder that even the best of the best adventure still doesn't satisfy.
So, I've been thinking: while those adventures are good and maybe even necessary, they aren't the real deal. They're close, they're on the right track, but they've missed the mark. Maybe True Adventure is in the laying it all down, in the giving it all up, in the surrender, in the dying.
There was no resurrection until there was a crucifixion.
I am about to embark on an adventure with my amazing husband, Teej. We are delving into the world of Foster Care. We have felt God press on our hearts with a certainty that we can't quite explain.
Most would not call our adventure an adventure, though. In fact, many have told us how the odds are stacked against us. Maybe they are not deliberately discouraging us from doing what God has called us to do. But we can hear it in their disapproving tone, in their story of foster-care failure, in their silence. They don't see Foster Care as True Adventure. They see Foster Care as a Life Sentence to misery.
I am currently on a plane on my way back to Dallas. I started thinking about this because I just heard Maria Goff talk about intention on Jamie Ivey's podcast "The Happy Hour" (highly recommend). She said something that stuck with me: that when you're living your life, you have to wave a white flag and declare, "THIS IS HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE! AND I'M GOING TO DO IT!"
It becomes all too easy to let our jobs and friends and churches and expectations and schedules run us. When this happens, we lose the opportunity to lay down our lives daily and intentionally seek out ways to serve, to give, to love, to die.
Sounds weird, right? Because dying?! --- dying isn't what we want! Dying is sad, causes grief, breeds pain. But that's the crazy truth of the Gospel:
Through the rejection, suffering, and sorrow of the Cross, Jesus came back to life.
Through the sadness, grief, and pain of choosing death of our selves, we gain new life.
True Joy is only found in the True Adventure.
And True Adventure is giving it all up.
And when we give it all up, that's where we find Jesus.
Because He gave it all up. He already lived the True Adventure, and He wants us to know the same love, the same hope, the same joy, that He does.
But the problem is - this True Adventure - it doesn't just show up at our doorstep. God doesn't send a message to us in our mailboxes, telling us the next step. This Adventure that God takes us on - this journey - there's no instruction guide.
Of course, I want to wait on God, to be sure that this is what He wants, but constantly waiting for a huge sign in the sky telling me what to do next is a little cray-cray. Yes, God wants us to trust Him, to pray for Him to move, but I don't think that should be apart from our actions. He wants us to move with Him, to live life with intention, to say, "I'm going to live my life THIS WAY," and then -- ACTUALLY DO IT.
I have ideas about what I want my life to be: I want to show others Jesus, I want to be generous, I want to be kind, loving, and hospitable, I want to be a good neighbor and friend, I want to mother the motherless and help the least of these. It's not that I have totally neglected these desires; some of these come out in my teaching or in our youth ministry or in my friendships or family relationships. But I've never intentionally decided: This is how I want my life to be. And this is how I'm going to do it.
Because surrender, dying, sacrifice - this stuff is hard. But, as Ann Voskamp says in The Broken Way, "spending yourself is how you multiply joy." So the way to true joy is through sacrifice. The way to abundance is giving it all away - time, money, love. It's backwards and it's hard, but it's what Jesus said too: "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." (John 12:25)
When we take up our cross and follow Christ, He gives us "life abundant." (John 10:10)
And so this is why I consider Foster Care part of our True Adventure. God has called us to "care for the widow and the orphan," and as people have pointed out to us, it ain't gon be easy.
BUT it's going to be worth it. And so...
-- we choose to open our home
so that little ones with no home
can experience the love, hope, and joy
of the Savior who left His home for us.
Update on our Foster Care journey: We are almost done paper work and waiting on scheduling our Home Study to be approved! We are so excited and would appreciate any prayer and encouragement you can give!
Lastly, an excerpt from Jeremiah 22 that really opened up my eyes to what God cares about:
Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Oh, the wonderful Cross!
Bids me come & die
And find that I may truly live.
I can remember singing the words and meaning them, but not quite understanding. I can remember thinking about what it meant to lay down my life, to pick up my cross, to die -- so that I could live.
Isn't this a weird thing about our faith? That we are called to lay down our lives so that we can live? This goes against everything that our culture and society and social media tell us - that true life comes through dying.
I've been thinking a lot about adventure because a lot of people on my news feed are hiking or starting businesses or traveling to Europe. This is what I would consider adventure. Isn't it what you would consider adventure? Daring to do something that pushes your limits and makes you think bigger and changes your perspective?
But even the most amazing adventures - the jumping out of airplanes, the mission trips, the camps - are followed by a return to normal, to monotonous, to a job that we do or don't like, to a life we are unsure we want, to wearing ourselves out trying to make it. It's a reminder that even the best of the best adventure still doesn't satisfy.
So, I've been thinking: while those adventures are good and maybe even necessary, they aren't the real deal. They're close, they're on the right track, but they've missed the mark. Maybe True Adventure is in the laying it all down, in the giving it all up, in the surrender, in the dying.
There was no resurrection until there was a crucifixion.
Most would not call our adventure an adventure, though. In fact, many have told us how the odds are stacked against us. Maybe they are not deliberately discouraging us from doing what God has called us to do. But we can hear it in their disapproving tone, in their story of foster-care failure, in their silence. They don't see Foster Care as True Adventure. They see Foster Care as a Life Sentence to misery.
I am currently on a plane on my way back to Dallas. I started thinking about this because I just heard Maria Goff talk about intention on Jamie Ivey's podcast "The Happy Hour" (highly recommend). She said something that stuck with me: that when you're living your life, you have to wave a white flag and declare, "THIS IS HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE! AND I'M GOING TO DO IT!"
It becomes all too easy to let our jobs and friends and churches and expectations and schedules run us. When this happens, we lose the opportunity to lay down our lives daily and intentionally seek out ways to serve, to give, to love, to die.
Sounds weird, right? Because dying?! --- dying isn't what we want! Dying is sad, causes grief, breeds pain. But that's the crazy truth of the Gospel:
Through the rejection, suffering, and sorrow of the Cross, Jesus came back to life.
Through the sadness, grief, and pain of choosing death of our selves, we gain new life.
True Joy is only found in the True Adventure.
And True Adventure is giving it all up.
And when we give it all up, that's where we find Jesus.
Because He gave it all up. He already lived the True Adventure, and He wants us to know the same love, the same hope, the same joy, that He does.
But the problem is - this True Adventure - it doesn't just show up at our doorstep. God doesn't send a message to us in our mailboxes, telling us the next step. This Adventure that God takes us on - this journey - there's no instruction guide.
Of course, I want to wait on God, to be sure that this is what He wants, but constantly waiting for a huge sign in the sky telling me what to do next is a little cray-cray. Yes, God wants us to trust Him, to pray for Him to move, but I don't think that should be apart from our actions. He wants us to move with Him, to live life with intention, to say, "I'm going to live my life THIS WAY," and then -- ACTUALLY DO IT.
I have ideas about what I want my life to be: I want to show others Jesus, I want to be generous, I want to be kind, loving, and hospitable, I want to be a good neighbor and friend, I want to mother the motherless and help the least of these. It's not that I have totally neglected these desires; some of these come out in my teaching or in our youth ministry or in my friendships or family relationships. But I've never intentionally decided: This is how I want my life to be. And this is how I'm going to do it.
Because surrender, dying, sacrifice - this stuff is hard. But, as Ann Voskamp says in The Broken Way, "spending yourself is how you multiply joy." So the way to true joy is through sacrifice. The way to abundance is giving it all away - time, money, love. It's backwards and it's hard, but it's what Jesus said too: "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." (John 12:25)
When we take up our cross and follow Christ, He gives us "life abundant." (John 10:10)
And so this is why I consider Foster Care part of our True Adventure. God has called us to "care for the widow and the orphan," and as people have pointed out to us, it ain't gon be easy.
BUT it's going to be worth it. And so...
-- we choose to open our home
so that little ones with no home
can experience the love, hope, and joy
of the Savior who left His home for us.
Update on our Foster Care journey: We are almost done paper work and waiting on scheduling our Home Study to be approved! We are so excited and would appreciate any prayer and encouragement you can give!
Lastly, an excerpt from Jeremiah 22 that really opened up my eyes to what God cares about:
“Woe to him who builds his palace by unrighteousness,
his upper rooms by injustice,
making his own people work for nothing,
not paying them for their labor.
14 He says, ‘I will build myself a great palace
with spacious upper rooms.’
So he makes large windows in it,
panels it with cedar
and decorates it in red.
his upper rooms by injustice,
making his own people work for nothing,
not paying them for their labor.
14 He says, ‘I will build myself a great palace
with spacious upper rooms.’
So he makes large windows in it,
panels it with cedar
and decorates it in red.
15 “Does it make you a king
to have more and more cedar?
Did not your father have food and drink?
He did what was right and just,
so all went well with him.
16 He defended the cause of the poor and needy,
and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?”
declares the Lord.
17 “But your eyes and your heart
are set only on dishonest gain,
on shedding innocent blood
and on oppression and extortion.”
to have more and more cedar?
Did not your father have food and drink?
He did what was right and just,
so all went well with him.
16 He defended the cause of the poor and needy,
and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?”
declares the Lord.
17 “But your eyes and your heart
are set only on dishonest gain,
on shedding innocent blood
and on oppression and extortion.”
Monday, June 5, 2017
Your Life Still Matters
I have noticed a trend these days. It is a trend of praising and glorifying women who start businesses, who step out in faith, who do extraordinary things, travel, speak in front of thousands, who write and have their words read by millions. We praise them because we should praise them. Because women have real voices and ideas and dreams and are accomplishing those dreams and that's stinking awesome.
I am definitely not bashing this move toward reading and listening to intelligent, God-fearing women. I'm all about it. In fact, I listen to Jamie Ivey's podcast, "The Happy Hour," to and from work because it's SO much better than listening to the same five pop songs on the radio (for real). I so love listening to their stories, how they're growing in Jesus, how they're turning their dreams into realities, and what that looks like as a mom and a wife and a follower of Christ. It inspires me, makes me want to get up off my butt and do something for the kingdom. It makes me think big, dream big, hope big. And I love all of those things and all of these women.
But I think we may be entering dangerous territory, here.
Because sometimes, when I'm listening to this podcast, or reading a story about a woman entrepreneur, or following a Christian woman blogger/foster mom on Instagram, I start to believe a lie. I start to believe a lie that my everyday, hard, teaching job is not important. I start to think that what I'm doing in our youth ministry, serving and loving high school and middle school girls, is not enough.
Maybe I should do something bigger. Maybe I should write a Bible study or start a program for foster families or DO SOMETHING BIG. Because big is what feels exciting and awesome and where people find God?
In the word of Donald Trump, WRONG.
My life as a teacher, as a wife, as a youth leader matters. The work that I do - day in and day out - matters. My friend Lindsay's life as a wife and mom of a three-year-old matters. Does someone hear about her story everyday? No. My sister's journey toward becoming a nurse, and my friend Carly's career as a nurse - it matters. My mom's relationships with people that no one else sees - her mentor-ship and her love for them - it is of high value.
We don't have do do big and glorious things to impact the Kingdom, to be excited about God, to see His faithfulness in our everyday life. In fact, if we think we have do something that everyone in the world will see and love in order to make God happy, then I think we are looking in the wrong places.
No, real Gospel change, real post-Jesus, I'm-in-love-with-Him change happens in the everyday, small acts of washing dishes and redirecting in a classroom and helping an elderly man get back to his hospital bed. And I am sure those wonderful women starting businesses are doing that too. But I want to call attention to the quiet, faithful people who, knowing they will receive no recognition, complete small, ordinary acts of extraordinary love. These people mirror the faithfulness of God.
Because the everyday, down-and-dirty, clean the bathroom, love-choice shows and treasures Jesus just as much as the big-picture, I'm-starting-an-amazing-non-profit, social-media posts. If I may be so bold, the first matters shows and treasures Him more.
Because did Jesus come to earth clothed in a royal robe and riding on a magnificent horse and chariot? Did He rush to a throne and demand for praise and honor and for all to bow down to the one and only true King? Did he arrive with angel's trumpets and people praising His name? Was Jesus crowned with a crown that He deserves, lined with jewels and diamonds and rubies of highest quality?
No, Jesus came to earth, born from a girl who experienced the judgment and scorn from the "religious" when they saw that she was having a baby (if they only knew!) out of wedlock. Jesus was born a baby, in a stable with a bunch of dirty animals. Jesus humbly spoke the truth in love, often calling people out on their crap and loving people when they least deserved it. Jesus was given a crown of thorns, a crown that mocked and tore at His skin. He was sentenced to a death that He didn't deserve and rejection from His father because he bore the curse that should have been ours.
It's upside-down, peeps. God's Kingdom works backwards. And when we faithfully serve, and consistently love, and show up for the broken, the sinners, the least-of-these, the needy, the sick, the vulnerable, and when we do it without the recognition or acknowledgement that we deserve, that is when He shapes us to become more like Him - humble, truthful, kind, loving, etc.
I used to get upset when people would say, "God's Kingdom is not about you." This statement would confuse me and cause me to question my faith. I would think Well, God, then I guess it's all about you and we don't even matter.
Years later, looking back I realize that the original statement is true, and that I got the interpretation all wrong. I was all out of wack - still somehow thinking only about myself. Now I understand that our lives, our choices, our thoughts, our every-days matter to God. We are valuable to God. BUT He knows that we only experience the true joy of knowing Him when we give it all up.
It's not about our worth or our value; it's about our joy and our willingness to put it all on the line for the Gospel, the stinking-good-news. And we do that in the mundane, every-day tasks, the menial folding, the call to our best friend when it may not be the best time, the thoughtful note sent, the kiss on a cheek to a tired and worn-out husband, the forgiveness given to someone who doesn't deserve it, the pulling-in of someone who is on the outskirts, the perseverance in love when your kid defies you, the decorating for a night to honor someone.
JESUS is in these things, y'all, as much as He is in the life-changing campaigns and businesses and non-profits. And I'm working everyday to believe it.
These verses in Philippians 2:6-8 remind me of the kind of amazing God we serve, and it makes me want to be more like Him everyday:
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross.
I am definitely not bashing this move toward reading and listening to intelligent, God-fearing women. I'm all about it. In fact, I listen to Jamie Ivey's podcast, "The Happy Hour," to and from work because it's SO much better than listening to the same five pop songs on the radio (for real). I so love listening to their stories, how they're growing in Jesus, how they're turning their dreams into realities, and what that looks like as a mom and a wife and a follower of Christ. It inspires me, makes me want to get up off my butt and do something for the kingdom. It makes me think big, dream big, hope big. And I love all of those things and all of these women.
But I think we may be entering dangerous territory, here.
Because sometimes, when I'm listening to this podcast, or reading a story about a woman entrepreneur, or following a Christian woman blogger/foster mom on Instagram, I start to believe a lie. I start to believe a lie that my everyday, hard, teaching job is not important. I start to think that what I'm doing in our youth ministry, serving and loving high school and middle school girls, is not enough.
Maybe I should do something bigger. Maybe I should write a Bible study or start a program for foster families or DO SOMETHING BIG. Because big is what feels exciting and awesome and where people find God?
In the word of Donald Trump, WRONG.
My life as a teacher, as a wife, as a youth leader matters. The work that I do - day in and day out - matters. My friend Lindsay's life as a wife and mom of a three-year-old matters. Does someone hear about her story everyday? No. My sister's journey toward becoming a nurse, and my friend Carly's career as a nurse - it matters. My mom's relationships with people that no one else sees - her mentor-ship and her love for them - it is of high value.
We don't have do do big and glorious things to impact the Kingdom, to be excited about God, to see His faithfulness in our everyday life. In fact, if we think we have do something that everyone in the world will see and love in order to make God happy, then I think we are looking in the wrong places.
No, real Gospel change, real post-Jesus, I'm-in-love-with-Him change happens in the everyday, small acts of washing dishes and redirecting in a classroom and helping an elderly man get back to his hospital bed. And I am sure those wonderful women starting businesses are doing that too. But I want to call attention to the quiet, faithful people who, knowing they will receive no recognition, complete small, ordinary acts of extraordinary love. These people mirror the faithfulness of God.
Because the everyday, down-and-dirty, clean the bathroom, love-choice shows and treasures Jesus just as much as the big-picture, I'm-starting-an-amazing-non-profit, social-media posts. If I may be so bold, the first matters shows and treasures Him more.
Because did Jesus come to earth clothed in a royal robe and riding on a magnificent horse and chariot? Did He rush to a throne and demand for praise and honor and for all to bow down to the one and only true King? Did he arrive with angel's trumpets and people praising His name? Was Jesus crowned with a crown that He deserves, lined with jewels and diamonds and rubies of highest quality?
No, Jesus came to earth, born from a girl who experienced the judgment and scorn from the "religious" when they saw that she was having a baby (if they only knew!) out of wedlock. Jesus was born a baby, in a stable with a bunch of dirty animals. Jesus humbly spoke the truth in love, often calling people out on their crap and loving people when they least deserved it. Jesus was given a crown of thorns, a crown that mocked and tore at His skin. He was sentenced to a death that He didn't deserve and rejection from His father because he bore the curse that should have been ours.
It's upside-down, peeps. God's Kingdom works backwards. And when we faithfully serve, and consistently love, and show up for the broken, the sinners, the least-of-these, the needy, the sick, the vulnerable, and when we do it without the recognition or acknowledgement that we deserve, that is when He shapes us to become more like Him - humble, truthful, kind, loving, etc.
I used to get upset when people would say, "God's Kingdom is not about you." This statement would confuse me and cause me to question my faith. I would think Well, God, then I guess it's all about you and we don't even matter.
Years later, looking back I realize that the original statement is true, and that I got the interpretation all wrong. I was all out of wack - still somehow thinking only about myself. Now I understand that our lives, our choices, our thoughts, our every-days matter to God. We are valuable to God. BUT He knows that we only experience the true joy of knowing Him when we give it all up.
It's not about our worth or our value; it's about our joy and our willingness to put it all on the line for the Gospel, the stinking-good-news. And we do that in the mundane, every-day tasks, the menial folding, the call to our best friend when it may not be the best time, the thoughtful note sent, the kiss on a cheek to a tired and worn-out husband, the forgiveness given to someone who doesn't deserve it, the pulling-in of someone who is on the outskirts, the perseverance in love when your kid defies you, the decorating for a night to honor someone.
JESUS is in these things, y'all, as much as He is in the life-changing campaigns and businesses and non-profits. And I'm working everyday to believe it.
These verses in Philippians 2:6-8 remind me of the kind of amazing God we serve, and it makes me want to be more like Him everyday:
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal's death on a cross.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
When the LIVING the Gospel is Hard in the Classroom
I teach three sections of a public school 8th grade Spanish 1 class. I am also a 7th and 8th grade volleyball, basketball, and track coach. My days are busy. I coach in sweats, change into professional clothes, sometimes head to sponsor Spanish Club or FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes), use my planning period (usually fixing the copier), teach 3 classes, run to the gym, change back into sweats, and coach again. It is the most interesting and most difficult job I have ever had. I started the year, as most teachers do, with extreme optimism, thinking of all of the way that I was going to be able to "make an impact," to "show them Jesus," "to get my students pumped about learning Spanish." As the year has gone on, one of my classes has become increasingly difficult to deal with.
Let me give some perspective. In each of my classes, I have a "tally" system, where if the students listen to directions, complete work quietly, and give me their attention when I ask for it, they earn a tally. When they get to five tallies, they receive a reward. We have played soccer, done a drawing for a gift card, and, this past week, every class (except this class in particular) watched the movie Selena and ate popcorn and candy.
This class {barely} received 3 tallies this time around. It has been a daily struggle. When I ask them to complete work quietly, they immediately begin talking to their neighbor about almost anything else. Several students claim they don't understand a single word on the paper given to them (even though these are words on a vocabulary list that we have been studying for weeks). Others simply refuse to work, putting their heads on their desks. Some ask to go to the bathroom to get out of doing their work, to which I respond, "No, you haven't started your work." You can imagine their responses. Many of them roll their eyes as I ask them to put their phones away. Still others quietly get to work, trying their best to do the work that is required to acquire a new language.
I came to a breaking point last week. The lesson I had prepared was entirely too difficult, especially for this class. I asked them to use highlighters. Some of them were throwing them, some drawing on their faces (remember, these are EIGHTH GRADERS), others trying to do their work (but doing it incorrectly and getting frustrated). I tried to reexplain, but that did not work. I finally decided to just give them the answers so that we could work through it together after. But as I was reading the answers, 80% of the students were looking around the room with blank faces, acting like they had no idea what was going on. I looked at one student in particular and said, "WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!!!" I hadn't yet realized that students had drawn on their faces.
That, clearly, is what set me over the edge. I went to the bag of highlighters, angrily grabbed them, and, as the bell rang, I said, "BYE," in a voice that was 90% angry mom and 10% sarcastic valley girl.
Needless to say, I was not happy. In fact, I started to cry IN THE HALLWAY (insert embarrassed emoji) to one of my coworkers. She (thank the LORD) led me into her office and let me cry and told me some stuff about how everyone has bad classes and I'm not the only one and it's not all my fault. I thanked her, went to the track to coach my girls, and decided to run the mile with them to get some anger out and clear my head.
That helped a little. But this issue in this particular class has been a problem since we got back from Christmas break (that's LONG in school time, people). It has seemed as though it would never go away. I found myself asking God why the heck he was letting this go on for so long and asking him why he wouldn't just take it away. Why couldn't these children just listen? Why didn't they respect me? Why was I not making an impact? Why do are You setting me up to make me feel like I'm failing at the ONE THING I'm actually good at?
It's not that I hadn't been asking for God's help before. I have been. The entire year. Last week, I wrote to Him about it. And I felt like I should write my students a letter. I wrote them a letter declaring that I loved them, even though that our class was hard. I wrote every student's name down and next to it what I loved about them. I told them that I would make mistakes and that I hoped that they would forgive me, but I also said that I was going to continue to fight to teach them and to hold them accountable for their actions. Because the moment I stop doing that is the moment that I give up on them.
That did approximately nothing to help the situation at hand. I felt helpless, hopeless - like nothing would help this class. I felt stuck.
Then, Friday happened. I had wondered all night and all day about what I should do. One of my coworkers, the same one who pushed me in the office when I was crying, suggested that I just show them the movie. "It would be easier for them AND for you. It would give you all a break." Another coworker said, "Yeah, give them a little grace."
GRACE?! I thought "I've already shown them TOO MUCH grace!" I said, without even thinking.
Too much grace? Did God show us too much grace when He sent Jesus, the King of the World, to be born as a helpless child? Did God show us too much grace when He healed the sick and gave rest to the weary and called out to the poor and the helpless and the ashamed and the outcasts? Did God show us too much grace when He sent His very own Son to the Cross, the Son who knew no sin, to die for the World that broke His heart?
Yes. He did. He showed us too much grace.
I showed the movie.
Of course, we had a talk first. I said this, "Guys, yesterday was a disaster. I planned an activity that was too difficult for you guys. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But then you guys didn't cooperate. You talked when I asked you not to. You drew on your faces with markers. You didn't listen when I was trying to give you the answers. Do I think you deserve to watch the movie? No, I really don't. (Some students even chimed in here - saying, "No way!" and "No, especially not me.") You guys have had countless opportunities to earn tallies - even EASY tallies - and you basically throw them away. However, do I believe in grace? Yes, I do."
Student: "What's grace?"
Me: "Grace is getting something you don't deserve."
Student: "I thought that was mercy."
Me *in my head* WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??
Me *out loud*: "Yeah, well they're actually a little different."
I had a total blank on the definition of mercy. So, a student looked it up for me:
Student: " Mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm."
Another student: Like in movies, when someone says, "Have mercy!" when they are about to be shot!
Me: Yes, exactly like that. So, grace and mercy are kind of intertwined. So, we're going to watch the movie.
We watched the movie. They were quiet. They asked questions, but respectfully. They left with smiles on their faces, giving me a high-five on their way out the door as I told them to have a great Spring Break. The joy in my heart was unspeakable.
The Gospel - that good stuff - is so beautiful. It's so wonderful to know the redemption and the grace and the mercy and the LOVE of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But knowing where we've come from - from hardship, pain, disrespect for authority, chaos - is the only way we can understand how GOOD the Grace is and how much BETTER our Father is.
It's hard to live the Gospel. It's hard to show grace when they just REALLY don't deserve it. But we really didn't deserve it either, and our Wonderful Father gave it to us!
And when we do that for others, His beauty shines right through us, like a light in the darkness, like quiet in the chaos.
Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even then.
Let me give some perspective. In each of my classes, I have a "tally" system, where if the students listen to directions, complete work quietly, and give me their attention when I ask for it, they earn a tally. When they get to five tallies, they receive a reward. We have played soccer, done a drawing for a gift card, and, this past week, every class (except this class in particular) watched the movie Selena and ate popcorn and candy.
This class {barely} received 3 tallies this time around. It has been a daily struggle. When I ask them to complete work quietly, they immediately begin talking to their neighbor about almost anything else. Several students claim they don't understand a single word on the paper given to them (even though these are words on a vocabulary list that we have been studying for weeks). Others simply refuse to work, putting their heads on their desks. Some ask to go to the bathroom to get out of doing their work, to which I respond, "No, you haven't started your work." You can imagine their responses. Many of them roll their eyes as I ask them to put their phones away. Still others quietly get to work, trying their best to do the work that is required to acquire a new language.
I came to a breaking point last week. The lesson I had prepared was entirely too difficult, especially for this class. I asked them to use highlighters. Some of them were throwing them, some drawing on their faces (remember, these are EIGHTH GRADERS), others trying to do their work (but doing it incorrectly and getting frustrated). I tried to reexplain, but that did not work. I finally decided to just give them the answers so that we could work through it together after. But as I was reading the answers, 80% of the students were looking around the room with blank faces, acting like they had no idea what was going on. I looked at one student in particular and said, "WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!!!" I hadn't yet realized that students had drawn on their faces.
That, clearly, is what set me over the edge. I went to the bag of highlighters, angrily grabbed them, and, as the bell rang, I said, "BYE," in a voice that was 90% angry mom and 10% sarcastic valley girl.
Needless to say, I was not happy. In fact, I started to cry IN THE HALLWAY (insert embarrassed emoji) to one of my coworkers. She (thank the LORD) led me into her office and let me cry and told me some stuff about how everyone has bad classes and I'm not the only one and it's not all my fault. I thanked her, went to the track to coach my girls, and decided to run the mile with them to get some anger out and clear my head.
That helped a little. But this issue in this particular class has been a problem since we got back from Christmas break (that's LONG in school time, people). It has seemed as though it would never go away. I found myself asking God why the heck he was letting this go on for so long and asking him why he wouldn't just take it away. Why couldn't these children just listen? Why didn't they respect me? Why was I not making an impact? Why do are You setting me up to make me feel like I'm failing at the ONE THING I'm actually good at?
It's not that I hadn't been asking for God's help before. I have been. The entire year. Last week, I wrote to Him about it. And I felt like I should write my students a letter. I wrote them a letter declaring that I loved them, even though that our class was hard. I wrote every student's name down and next to it what I loved about them. I told them that I would make mistakes and that I hoped that they would forgive me, but I also said that I was going to continue to fight to teach them and to hold them accountable for their actions. Because the moment I stop doing that is the moment that I give up on them.
That did approximately nothing to help the situation at hand. I felt helpless, hopeless - like nothing would help this class. I felt stuck.
Then, Friday happened. I had wondered all night and all day about what I should do. One of my coworkers, the same one who pushed me in the office when I was crying, suggested that I just show them the movie. "It would be easier for them AND for you. It would give you all a break." Another coworker said, "Yeah, give them a little grace."
GRACE?! I thought "I've already shown them TOO MUCH grace!" I said, without even thinking.
Too much grace? Did God show us too much grace when He sent Jesus, the King of the World, to be born as a helpless child? Did God show us too much grace when He healed the sick and gave rest to the weary and called out to the poor and the helpless and the ashamed and the outcasts? Did God show us too much grace when He sent His very own Son to the Cross, the Son who knew no sin, to die for the World that broke His heart?
Yes. He did. He showed us too much grace.
I showed the movie.
Of course, we had a talk first. I said this, "Guys, yesterday was a disaster. I planned an activity that was too difficult for you guys. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But then you guys didn't cooperate. You talked when I asked you not to. You drew on your faces with markers. You didn't listen when I was trying to give you the answers. Do I think you deserve to watch the movie? No, I really don't. (Some students even chimed in here - saying, "No way!" and "No, especially not me.") You guys have had countless opportunities to earn tallies - even EASY tallies - and you basically throw them away. However, do I believe in grace? Yes, I do."
Student: "What's grace?"
Me: "Grace is getting something you don't deserve."
Student: "I thought that was mercy."
Me *in my head* WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??
Me *out loud*: "Yeah, well they're actually a little different."
I had a total blank on the definition of mercy. So, a student looked it up for me:
Student: " Mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm."
Another student: Like in movies, when someone says, "Have mercy!" when they are about to be shot!
Me: Yes, exactly like that. So, grace and mercy are kind of intertwined. So, we're going to watch the movie.
We watched the movie. They were quiet. They asked questions, but respectfully. They left with smiles on their faces, giving me a high-five on their way out the door as I told them to have a great Spring Break. The joy in my heart was unspeakable.
The Gospel - that good stuff - is so beautiful. It's so wonderful to know the redemption and the grace and the mercy and the LOVE of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But knowing where we've come from - from hardship, pain, disrespect for authority, chaos - is the only way we can understand how GOOD the Grace is and how much BETTER our Father is.
It's hard to live the Gospel. It's hard to show grace when they just REALLY don't deserve it. But we really didn't deserve it either, and our Wonderful Father gave it to us!
And when we do that for others, His beauty shines right through us, like a light in the darkness, like quiet in the chaos.
Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even then.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
I'm Afraid to Read my Bible
Oh, you know this picture - the Coffee and the Word. It's been a trend on Instagram since the start of this (in my humble opinion) wonderful social media avenue. I see these pictures and I think, Man - that person has a cool coffee cup. It's got that earthy-but-I'm-not-trying-to-be color scheme. It looks like this person is really enjoying reading the Bible. It looks like they're so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed- they must be so peaceful and joyful and refreshed if they're posting a picture like this."
And in my heart and in my mind, I am jealous of this person. Because, for a long time, reading my Bible has, in many ways, not been easy. I have often not enjoyed it. I have opened it thinking, "Oh, I hope there's nothing too confusing today." I have (wrongly) become internally angry when people ask me, "What have you been reading in the Bible?" I have felt heart-wrenched and uncertain and downright confused to the point of extreme anxiety. And I think to myself, Man - I really want to enjoy reading the Bible. I really want to be so peaceful and so joyful and so refreshed after reading God's word.
But I have not been.
Looking at my journal from over the past year, these excerpts about sum it up:
Aug. 23, 2014 - God, Your Word doesn't feel good right now. It feels difficult and heavy.
Sept. 9, 2014 - I come to You, Lord, with a heavy heart. I am frustrated and worried and sad and uncertain, and I honestly could throw up.
Nov. 13th, 2014 - Actually, probably 9.5 times out of 10 I am CONFUSED. I'm confused about life. And denominations. I'm confused why life for me is awesome but life for others sucks. I'm confused why people aren't honest about their doubts and their shortcomings. Especially Christians. I'm confused why You would even create us if you knew we were going to suck this bad.
Dec. 30th, 2014 - God, is it okay that I might be wrong? I'm just so worried that I am wrong.
Feb. 19th, 2015 - God, I hate that I haven't been trusting You, that I've been cynical of Your Word. Every time I approach the Bible, it's not to receive life...it's to determine what stance I take on certain theological arguments.
I am not sure where this anxiety has come from.
I don't know if it's my desire to always know more about what others believe.
I don't know if it's my Biblical education at Cedarville.
I don't know if it's Christians' turn towards more in-depth theology and doctrine.
I don't know if it's the devil creepin' at my door, trying to lie and steal and destroy. (most likely this one)
** Disclaimer - I am not saying that any of the above things in and of themselves are bad or wrong or even hurtful. I am just saying that these are possible contributions to my confusion.**
What I do know is that the Bible is a book that explains the transforming nature of the Gospel - how through Jesus, we are transformed from ALIENS and ENEMIES to RECONCILED and HOLY CHILDREN.
Colossians 3:21-22
Once your were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation.
Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but your received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, "Abba, Father."
What I do know is that if I am broken and hurt and confused and weary, then I am more likely to RUN to JESUS for REST!! If I am burdened, I am in the perfect place to understand my need of Jesus - my need for His easy yoke, for His light burden, for His rest, for His gentleness, for His humble heart.
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
What I do know is that even if my circumstances suck and my mind is confused and my heart is torn, God has provided salvation for those (including me!) who believe that God's Son, Jesus, died on the Cross for our sins and rose again because "it was impossible for death to keep its hold on Him." (Acts 2:24b).
And now it's impossible for death to keep its hold on US!
Through the confusion and through the pain and through the evil schemes of the devil and through the trials,
WE ARE CONQUERORS IN JESUS. - Romans 8:37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us
WE HAVE VICTORY IN JESUS. - 1 Corinthians 15:54-55 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the moral with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in VICTORY."
"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
I am not sure that my confusion and my anxiety will go away in this lifetime. But I am sure of the Hope that is in Jesus and His life, death, and resurrection. I can read my Bible, knowing that I might not come out of it with all of the answers, but I will come out of it with a deep dependence on my Savior and a hunger to serve Him and others better.
K, peace out homies.
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