Baby Birds & Leviticus

“...God's grace and forgiveness, while free to the 

recipient, are always costly for the Giver.... From 

the earliest parts of the Bible, it was 

understood that God could not forgive 

without sacrifice." - Tim Keller 

About a week ago, we had a little incident at the grand Granny House. One of the many wonderful aspects of living in this house is that there are huge windows in the living room that allow us to view the beautiful, icy backyard from the warmness of our cozy living room. However lovely this may sound, there is one major downfall: little birdies don't know that it's a window. That's right, folks. A precious bird zoomed her poor little body right into our window; BANG. 

Of course, it being winter and we twenty-somethings being bored out of our minds, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for some kind of adventure to be had. So my brave friend and roommate, Carly, went out to check on the bird. She brought in the wretched thing, and we all cooed at it, wondering how in the world to save her from her obvious misery.  The rest of them quickly decided that killing it swiftly was the best option, while I sat there, saddened and panicked at the state of this poor creature. I proceeded to have a mental breakdown, feel sick to my stomach, and beg that they not talk of the bird anymore.

Side-note: This sometimes happens to me.  I'm not sure where it comes from. Maybe my attention-seeking childhood? Maybe fear? Both?

Whatever the reason, I'm dramatic and I know it. I usually exaggerate for the purpose of humor. But this time was different. I actually felt sick about the death of this bird and I couldn't figure out why. Carly says it was my tender heart for animals, which could, in part, be true, but I think it was more than that. I think it had something to do with the innocence of the bird - how she didn't deserve death and I, in some manner, participated in the end of her life.

I turned the pages of my Bible to the book of Leviticus this morning, following my daily check-off list to my "Read the Bible: One Year Plan."  This morning, I was designated the first 4 chapters.  I skimmed the headings of the chapters, which resulted in hesitation and a little bit of disappointment before I started reading.

"Ugh. Fellowship Offering, Sin Offering, Burnt Offering, Grain Offering; lamb, goats, no defect, no fat, only-this-kind-of-grain, 'when a leader sins,' 'when a member sins,' 'when a community sins,' ... when will I get to something that's at least in the 18th century...?" 

But then I read something that caused my stomach to churn every time an animal offering was to be made: "He is to lay his hand on the goat's head and slaughter it..."

The Bird. I thought of that precious bird. I imagined all of the sin I committed in the last week - the selfishness, the gossip, the unforgiving spirit, the put-downs I dished out. I pictured having to take the life of that innocent bird, the one who (at least in my eyes) had no defect for my sin. I cringed at the thought of bringing her to the altar, putting my rebellious, idol and self-worshiping hand on her shaky head and breathing beak, and slaughtering her - shortening her breath till it stopped, depriving her of life. My heart sank as I tried to think of ways that I wouldn't have to witness it - the unfairness of it all, but I couldn't. In order to effectively slaughter this bird as my sacrifice, I'd have to intentionally cut the veins that gave her life. I'd have to look at her and reject her life. And I wouldn't be able to stop crying; the tears would not cease to flow. They poured out of my eyes, knowing that it was my rebellion that caused this death and outpouring of blood for this little animal.

If I remembered that the death of this bird was the cost of my sin, would I think more the next time I was tempted? 

"In this way, the priest will make atonement for him for the sin he has committed, and he will be forgiven..." Leviticus 4:35b

And then, I remember Jesus.

I think of his perfection, his resistance to temptation, his selfless love, his outpouring of grace, his sleepless nights given to prayer, his dedication to his disciples, his innocence.

And how God intentionally sacrificed Him, cut the veins that gave Him life, and rejected Him for us.

Our grossness, our dirtiness, our shame, our blatant rebellion, our unintentional sin, our selfish motives.

Just because I don't have to lay down the life of a poor, precious animal anymore doesn't mean that my sin didn't cost something. 

It cost God his Son's life.

It cost Jesus His Father's love.

And it cost me nothing. 

If I remembered that the death of Jesus Christ was the cost of my sin, would I think more the next time I was tempted? 

When Doing Good Doesn't Feel Good

I don't know about you (no, I'm not going to quote Taylor Swift), but these awesome graphics with inspiring quotes from great people really motivate me.  I am not being sarcastic. I will scroll through Pinterest, see one of these quotes, and legitimately be inspired to "do something good today" or "be the change I want to see in the world" or "love like there's no tomorrow." Sometimes, that will be enough to encourage me to write encouraging notes or make more of an effort to call my Grandpa or give someone a gift. Sometimes, my "good deed" for the day is telling one of my friends how much they mean to me, and the way that I "love like there's no tomorrow" is by texting the girl who lives by herself and doesn't seem to have many friends to ask her to dinner. After I do these deeds, I feel that I have done my good deed, and I have loved, and I get this warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling that I did something today to show someone else Jesus. 

Sometimes, though, this warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling does not fulfill because those "nice" things are not the only thing that I am called to do. I am not in any way downplaying good deeds. They are needed.

But Jesus calls us to do some things that don't necessarily provide that warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling. 

He showed us how to be humble and selfless (Philippians 2). Those words sound so pretty until you're faced with a situation with your relentlessly argumentative brother or your nagging wife or your needy friend or your ungrateful daughter.  Being humble and selfless doesn't feel warm and fuzzy. It is draining and exhausting; it brings you to your knees and forces you to rely on your muscle-giving Savior for strength.

I know that, in my life, I will be "selfless" in ways that don't require too much of me. I will do "good" for other people when it's something that I enjoy, or when I know that I will receive a "thank you so much, you're so sweet!"  

But when it's hard, when I don't want to, when I'm not recognized, when I've just had a hard day, and just need to focus on myself....

....WHEN I HAVE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE SELFLESSLY...

...I don't. 

I think about MYself and MY problems and MY relationships, and I just don't have time for you if I'm not going to get something in return. 

WRONG.

That is when I can honor and glorify my God. When I've hit rock bottom, when I don't know where I'm going, when I see no way out, when I feel downright exhausted and run-down and hurt, and I do what I don't want to do for God's glory and someone else's benefit. 

When my "good deed" doesn't feel good at all, when I don't receive anything in return...

When I remember the cross and the agony and tears and rejection and hurt that Jesus experienced because of the love that He had for us...

When I remember that the pride, the gossip, the self-righteousness, the sin that began in my heart and trickled into my veins and controlled my every breath, every step, every word, is now being replaced by injected grace...

...it is then that I remember that the grace and love that Jesus gives isn't cheap, which means that the grace and love I give to others isn't cheap. It's hard, it can be monotonous, it can feel "bad." 

But it definitely brings joy.

And forces us to remember the price - the rejection of the Father and the pain of suffering an undeserved death - that Jesus paid for us.

This price was infinitely more than the choice to not respond in anger, or to stay up late doing the dishes that aren't yours when you have an 8 AM, or not buying 3 cups a coffee a month so that you can give that money to someone else, or even giving up our lives as missionaries, living simply, suffering persecution for our faith, admitting a wrong when the other person's wrong was bigger.

ISAIAH 53:2-10

He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by mankind,    
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain

  and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

 stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.

By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
    Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
    for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]

He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
    and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
    nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer

  and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

  and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

He paid the ultimate price.
The prices we pay to love and to serve and to do good are small.

Dear Perfectionist:

You come in various forms. Let me spell it out for ya.

You could be the perfectionist who gives your very best to your schoolwork.  You will stay up until 4 AM if that's what it takes to get that totally-worth-it A, and you just can't - or won't - settle for a B.

B+? You've failed

You could be the one who labors tirelessly to make sure that the house is spotless - not even the most minuscule speck of dirt can be visible.

Otherwise, you've failed.  

You could be the one who endlessly compares yourself to every other human being, striving to achieve whatever it is they have. (e.g. "Their relationship just seems so perfect." "I wish my legs looked like hers." "He reads 4 chapters of the Bible a day!!")  Since you don't have it, you've got to work for it.  You wouldn't dare live your life knowing that the way someone else did something was the "righter" way to do it, and you missed out. So, you get whatever they've got.   

If you don't get it, you've failed. 

You could be the one who wakes up in the morning thinking about how you MUST love everyone, serve everyone, invest in everyone, never (or hardly ever, close enough) sin, never mistake, pray for 10 minutes (no more, no less), and read 3 chapters of your Bible and a devotional.

If you don't remember to do these things, you've failed. 

If you've ever said, "Dang. I just should have tried harder today. I sucked in so many ways." 

or, "I am seven days behind on my Bible reading plan. Looks like King Mess-Everything-Up is at it again."

or, "I FREAKING can never NOT burn dinner. When will I ever learn how to be the perfect husband?"

If any (or all) of these apply to you, this letter is for you. 

You are not perfect. You are not going to be perfect. No matter what you do, you will come short. Even on your best day, all of your best efforts combined would still not be enough. You can work and clean and preach and witness and remember the Gospel and be a light and serve selflessly and run a marathon and bake the best meal of all time and look like a supermodel and have a fight-less relationship and get along with all of your friends and be the head of a ministry and find the cure for cancer and and write a generation-changing novel and get all of the A's in the world ...

...and you still wouldn't be perfect.

The pursuit of perfection is a selfish pursuit. In the eyes of others, you are a "great kid," "the girl who always does the right thing," or "the goody two shoes." And in your head, you tell yourself that that is enough; that "the girl who always does the right thing" is close enough to perfect. 

But it's not. And you ache. You ache for something more, for something that changes you and gets you excited and moves you forward.  You yearn for a love so deep that it knows no bounds, not even the binding of the chains of perfection that tie you down.  You seek grace that you inhale, that seeps into your lungs, gives life to your soul, overflows, forcing you to exhale that same grace to others. You desire the forgiveness and kindness where your soul can find rest and not the expectation of perfection. 

If you are a follower of Christ, stop seeking approval from the God from whom you've already received approval through our one and only source of perfection: Jesus. 

Rest in his GRACE.

Remember his STEADFAST LOVE. 

Rejoice in his SALVATION. 

Seek His GLORY and FAME. 

Break free from the bondage of PERFECTION. 

But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 

Love, 

A Fellow Perfectionist Seeking to Remember this Daily. 

Bastar - To Be Enough.

Nada te turbe,
nada te espante,
todo se pasa,
Dios no se muda;
la paciencia
todo lo alcanza;
quien a Dios tiene
nada le falta:
Sólo Dios basta.

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing scare you,

Whatever happens,

God is not moved.

Patience

is sufficient for everything

He who belongs to God

does not lack anything

God alone is enough.

I read this poem my sophomore year of college in my Introduction to Hispanic Literature class.  For some reason, that last phrase, Sólo Dios basta, has always stuck in my mind.  

I think that last word is what got me: basta, from the verb bastar. It means literally "to be enough." There isn't a one-word-equivalent in English, but it's a phrase, or an idea, that we use and think about quite a bit, even if we don't realize it. 

When I think about the word enough, I automatically think of food (if you know me, not a huge surprise there).  Almost every morning, I wake up a ravenous beast. I want to eat the largest bowl of cereal you can give me. Do you have a mixing bowl? Sure, I'll take it (okay, slight exaggeration). I, in my American way of thinking, am concerned that a small bowl of cereal won't be enough. It won't suffice. It won't satisfy my hunger. 

I have the same problem when I go to a restaurant. Being a girl, and knowing the enormous amounts of calories in many of the meals offered at restaurants, I often go for the "Under 500 Calorie Meal" or the "Healthy Choice," though I'd rather eat a giant bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries (sometimes I cave).   I'm never really concerned if the food will be good, just if it will be enough to satisfy my hunger.

But that question of satisfaction stretches to other areas of my life as well...

Am I pretty enough? 

Skinny enough? 

Spiritual enough? 

Smart enough? 

Good enough? 

AM I ENOUGH?  

No, I am not.

But for the first time ever in my life, I am finding joy in this truth. I cannot satisfy my deep desire for God. I cannot satisfy his requirement of perfection. I am too weak, too emotional, too doubtful, too sinful, too full of sin. I am resting in the truth that God says to me, when I am fearing my ability to accomplish His will, "You are NOT, but I AM." God, and God alone, is enough to satisfy. He covers my SIN through the BLOOD of His precious Son, Jesus. And through His blood, through Jesus, I find that I don't need anything else in the world except the presence of my God. 

HE ALONE IS ENOUGH. 

Sólo Dios basta.

God has said, 

"Never will I leave you; 

Never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5b



Understanding with your Heart

Understanding. 

It is a word that has different meanings. First, in a literal sense, it means knowing the meaning of words, comprehending their significance, and applying them to your situation. This kind of understanding occurs in your brain.

There also, though, is a more figurative sense of the word, as portrayed by the rebellious teenage child when she screams at her mother:

You do NOT understand me!!! No one understands what I am going through!!!

This meaning of understanding has to do more with sympathy. It is caring. It is knowing where someone is and loving them where they are, despite how it affects you. This kind of understanding occurs in your heart.

(Are you happy that I gave you a 1st-grade lesson on the meaning of the word understanding? Don´t worry...it has significance. Keep reading please :)

Both types of understanding have been absolutely essential for my growth during my time in Spain, especially in regards to my host family.

Obviously, I have had to work really hard to understand completely what my host family and other Spaniards are saying to me.  Sometimes, I honestly cannot understand what they are trying to ask me or tell me, so I awkwardly come up with some kind of answer, knowing that many times, it is the answer to a completely different question. I have been so exasperated at times that I just settle for this type of interaction instead of truly trying to comprehend their question. Showing effort in even minute, simple details proves that you care about what they are saying.

It is only when I intently listen that I can see where they are coming from, sympathize with their feelings, and give them a hug to let them know you care.  It is only then that I can understand with my heart.

When I have given my host mom my absolute undivided attention, I have been able to understand her points of view and see things in a new light, even if I do not necessarily agree with her. I have been able to understand her words, though in a different language, and through her words I have been able to see her beautiful heart.

But I first have to understand her words in order to understand her heart. 

...Profound, huh?

But it is so incredibly true. Think about it. How many times have you been at dinner with somebody, but only half listened because you were too occupied with the number of notifications you had on Facebook? How many times have you neglected to hear your little sister request to go for a walk or play barbies because you were too busy reading a book, watching TV, or checking your email? I certainly know I am guilty of it.

People always say things like:

I totally understand. That must be so hard. 
I definitely know what you are going through. 
I cannot imagine being where you are. 

Yes, these kind phrases can be helpful. But did that person take the time to truly listen - to truly understand- what exactly they are thinking, feeling, and going through? Or did they simply listen to the problem half-heartedly, not asking any deeper questions, and skipping straight to the easy-to-say, cliche maxims that anyone on the planet could say to the person undergoing a dilemma.

My experience has been different, of course, because of the language barrier. Although it is more true in a foreign setting, I still believe that intently listening is something I have neglected greatly in my life.  But it is only when I truly listen and ask deeper questions that I can understand what they are saying. Then, I can understand with my heart.

Then, I can love. 

¿Valencia como Williamsburg?

En los Estados Unidos, he visitado un sitio se llama Williamsburg tres veces con mi familia y con mi colegio. Cuando se va a Williamsburg, se experimenta la vida de los americanos durante el siglo XVIII.  No sólo hay tiendas, tabernas, y lugares de trabajo, sino también las personas llevan la ropa de esta época, hablan con un acento británico, y realizan la reconstrucción de los hechos, como los discursos y las batallas.  

Me encantaba este tipo de sociedad porque demuestre un sentimiento de comunidad; era una cultura más lente, con personas que valen las amistades y disfrutan del tiempo que tienen. 

                

Aunque no hay reconstrucciones de los hechos del pasado en Valencia (excepto las de Las Fallas), el sentimiento de comunidad en Valencia parece lo de Williamsburg.  En mi camino del instituto, cada día pasa cafeterías, pastelerías (mi absoluta favorita), fruterías, hornearías  bollerías, restaurantes, y otras tiendas innumerables.

Siempre los españoles llenan las sillas, hablando, contando cosas, tomando café, y comiendo.  

Esto es una distinción de la cultura española, que como la cultura vieja de los Estados Unidos, me encanta.  

Cuando llegué a Valencia y Dr. Wiseman nos dijo que las reuniones con amigos no están en las casas, no entendí.  Pensé ¿Cómo puedo pasar tiempo con otras personas? En los Estados Unidos, quedamos en las casas, o a veces en una cafetería o restaurante.  Pero normalmente, si quedo con un amigo es para hablar sobre algo importante o para celebrar una ocasión especial.  Como me he hecho una parte de la cultura española, he notado la gran ventaja de las reuniones en cafeterías.  No sólo puede pasar tiempo con mis amigas y disfrutar de las pasteles uno o dos veces por semana, sino también puede desarrollar una relación nueva con las trabajadores y los dueños de las cafeterías.  Crea la comunidad verdadera – tal vez la misma persona que posee la cafetería donde tomo café compra la fruta y verdura de mi tienda. 
¡Es menos una cultura de correr, correr, correr, y más de sentar, hablar, disfrutar, como en los días viejos de los Estados Unidos! 

Que?!

Hello from Spain! I have been here for almost three weeks, and it has been an adventure, to say the least. This picture of my face pretty much describes how I've felt since I've been here. 

There have been so many times that I have not understood my family's instructions solely because I cannot understand what they are saying, even though I have been studying Spanish for 7 years. At times, this is beyond frustrating, and I find myself saying "Que?" (meaning "What?") more times than I would like. The language, however, is not the only thing that is causing me to say "WHAT?!?!" 

I am studying in a foreign country. I am living with a family I have never met. I am trying to navigate my way around the city (if you don't know me, I am the worst at directions). I am attempting to make sure I maintain my relationships at home while simultaneously make new friendships here. I am learning Spanish in a completely different way than I ever have. I am trying to be content. 

And I am learning that I cannot. 

I really can't. For the first time in my life, I realize in a very real way that I can't do this alone. I can't show grace and love to the people surrounding me when I truly don't feel like showing grace and love. I cannot handle all of the newness and the change. I cannot juggle all of my relationships and handle everything in the best possible way. 

I can't. But God can. I have to rely on Him.

It's only been three weeks, and I am already questioning God. I am already asking "WHAT!?" "Why did you bring me here at this time?!" "What is your plan in all of this?" "QUE!??!?!" 

I don't know anything, and I think that's God's point. He wants me to trust Him with every step, with every breath, with every part of me. So He put me in a place where I have to do that. What a God I serve. He's making me more like Him.

I'm currently clinging to these verses: 

Galatians 5:4-6

You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Psalm 33: 13-22

From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from His dwelling place he watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those who hope in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In HIM our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.