When Doing Good Doesn't Feel Good

I don't know about you (no, I'm not going to quote Taylor Swift), but these awesome graphics with inspiring quotes from great people really motivate me.  I am not being sarcastic. I will scroll through Pinterest, see one of these quotes, and legitimately be inspired to "do something good today" or "be the change I want to see in the world" or "love like there's no tomorrow." Sometimes, that will be enough to encourage me to write encouraging notes or make more of an effort to call my Grandpa or give someone a gift. Sometimes, my "good deed" for the day is telling one of my friends how much they mean to me, and the way that I "love like there's no tomorrow" is by texting the girl who lives by herself and doesn't seem to have many friends to ask her to dinner. After I do these deeds, I feel that I have done my good deed, and I have loved, and I get this warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling that I did something today to show someone else Jesus. 

Sometimes, though, this warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling does not fulfill because those "nice" things are not the only thing that I am called to do. I am not in any way downplaying good deeds. They are needed.

But Jesus calls us to do some things that don't necessarily provide that warm, fuzzy, fulfilled feeling. 

He showed us how to be humble and selfless (Philippians 2). Those words sound so pretty until you're faced with a situation with your relentlessly argumentative brother or your nagging wife or your needy friend or your ungrateful daughter.  Being humble and selfless doesn't feel warm and fuzzy. It is draining and exhausting; it brings you to your knees and forces you to rely on your muscle-giving Savior for strength.

I know that, in my life, I will be "selfless" in ways that don't require too much of me. I will do "good" for other people when it's something that I enjoy, or when I know that I will receive a "thank you so much, you're so sweet!"  

But when it's hard, when I don't want to, when I'm not recognized, when I've just had a hard day, and just need to focus on myself....

....WHEN I HAVE THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO SERVE SELFLESSLY...

...I don't. 

I think about MYself and MY problems and MY relationships, and I just don't have time for you if I'm not going to get something in return. 

WRONG.

That is when I can honor and glorify my God. When I've hit rock bottom, when I don't know where I'm going, when I see no way out, when I feel downright exhausted and run-down and hurt, and I do what I don't want to do for God's glory and someone else's benefit. 

When my "good deed" doesn't feel good at all, when I don't receive anything in return...

When I remember the cross and the agony and tears and rejection and hurt that Jesus experienced because of the love that He had for us...

When I remember that the pride, the gossip, the self-righteousness, the sin that began in my heart and trickled into my veins and controlled my every breath, every step, every word, is now being replaced by injected grace...

...it is then that I remember that the grace and love that Jesus gives isn't cheap, which means that the grace and love I give to others isn't cheap. It's hard, it can be monotonous, it can feel "bad." 

But it definitely brings joy.

And forces us to remember the price - the rejection of the Father and the pain of suffering an undeserved death - that Jesus paid for us.

This price was infinitely more than the choice to not respond in anger, or to stay up late doing the dishes that aren't yours when you have an 8 AM, or not buying 3 cups a coffee a month so that you can give that money to someone else, or even giving up our lives as missionaries, living simply, suffering persecution for our faith, admitting a wrong when the other person's wrong was bigger.

ISAIAH 53:2-10

He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
    and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
    nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by mankind,    
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
    he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain

  and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

 stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
    and by his wounds we are healed.

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
    each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and afflicted,
    yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
    and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.

By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
    Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
    for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]

He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
    and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
    nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer

  and though the Lord makes[c] his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

  and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand.

He paid the ultimate price.
The prices we pay to love and to serve and to do good are small.

Dear Perfectionist:

You come in various forms. Let me spell it out for ya.

You could be the perfectionist who gives your very best to your schoolwork.  You will stay up until 4 AM if that's what it takes to get that totally-worth-it A, and you just can't - or won't - settle for a B.

B+? You've failed

You could be the one who labors tirelessly to make sure that the house is spotless - not even the most minuscule speck of dirt can be visible.

Otherwise, you've failed.  

You could be the one who endlessly compares yourself to every other human being, striving to achieve whatever it is they have. (e.g. "Their relationship just seems so perfect." "I wish my legs looked like hers." "He reads 4 chapters of the Bible a day!!")  Since you don't have it, you've got to work for it.  You wouldn't dare live your life knowing that the way someone else did something was the "righter" way to do it, and you missed out. So, you get whatever they've got.   

If you don't get it, you've failed. 

You could be the one who wakes up in the morning thinking about how you MUST love everyone, serve everyone, invest in everyone, never (or hardly ever, close enough) sin, never mistake, pray for 10 minutes (no more, no less), and read 3 chapters of your Bible and a devotional.

If you don't remember to do these things, you've failed. 

If you've ever said, "Dang. I just should have tried harder today. I sucked in so many ways." 

or, "I am seven days behind on my Bible reading plan. Looks like King Mess-Everything-Up is at it again."

or, "I FREAKING can never NOT burn dinner. When will I ever learn how to be the perfect husband?"

If any (or all) of these apply to you, this letter is for you. 

You are not perfect. You are not going to be perfect. No matter what you do, you will come short. Even on your best day, all of your best efforts combined would still not be enough. You can work and clean and preach and witness and remember the Gospel and be a light and serve selflessly and run a marathon and bake the best meal of all time and look like a supermodel and have a fight-less relationship and get along with all of your friends and be the head of a ministry and find the cure for cancer and and write a generation-changing novel and get all of the A's in the world ...

...and you still wouldn't be perfect.

The pursuit of perfection is a selfish pursuit. In the eyes of others, you are a "great kid," "the girl who always does the right thing," or "the goody two shoes." And in your head, you tell yourself that that is enough; that "the girl who always does the right thing" is close enough to perfect. 

But it's not. And you ache. You ache for something more, for something that changes you and gets you excited and moves you forward.  You yearn for a love so deep that it knows no bounds, not even the binding of the chains of perfection that tie you down.  You seek grace that you inhale, that seeps into your lungs, gives life to your soul, overflows, forcing you to exhale that same grace to others. You desire the forgiveness and kindness where your soul can find rest and not the expectation of perfection. 

If you are a follower of Christ, stop seeking approval from the God from whom you've already received approval through our one and only source of perfection: Jesus. 

Rest in his GRACE.

Remember his STEADFAST LOVE. 

Rejoice in his SALVATION. 

Seek His GLORY and FAME. 

Break free from the bondage of PERFECTION. 

But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 

Love, 

A Fellow Perfectionist Seeking to Remember this Daily.