I teach three sections of a public school 8th grade Spanish 1 class. I am also a 7th and 8th grade volleyball, basketball, and track coach. My days are busy. I coach in sweats, change into professional clothes, sometimes head to sponsor Spanish Club or FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes), use my planning period (usually fixing the copier), teach 3 classes, run to the gym, change back into sweats, and coach again. It is the most interesting and most difficult job I have ever had. I started the year, as most teachers do, with extreme optimism, thinking of all of the way that I was going to be able to "make an impact," to "show them Jesus," "to get my students pumped about learning Spanish." As the year has gone on, one of my classes has become increasingly difficult to deal with.
Let me give some perspective. In each of my classes, I have a "tally" system, where if the students listen to directions, complete work quietly, and give me their attention when I ask for it, they earn a tally. When they get to five tallies, they receive a reward. We have played soccer, done a drawing for a gift card, and, this past week, every class (except this class in particular) watched the movie Selena and ate popcorn and candy.
This class {barely} received 3 tallies this time around. It has been a daily struggle. When I ask them to complete work quietly, they immediately begin talking to their neighbor about almost anything else. Several students claim they don't understand a single word on the paper given to them (even though these are words on a vocabulary list that we have been studying for weeks). Others simply refuse to work, putting their heads on their desks. Some ask to go to the bathroom to get out of doing their work, to which I respond, "No, you haven't started your work." You can imagine their responses. Many of them roll their eyes as I ask them to put their phones away. Still others quietly get to work, trying their best to do the work that is required to acquire a new language.
I came to a breaking point last week. The lesson I had prepared was entirely too difficult, especially for this class. I asked them to use highlighters. Some of them were throwing them, some drawing on their faces (remember, these are EIGHTH GRADERS), others trying to do their work (but doing it incorrectly and getting frustrated). I tried to reexplain, but that did not work. I finally decided to just give them the answers so that we could work through it together after. But as I was reading the answers, 80% of the students were looking around the room with blank faces, acting like they had no idea what was going on. I looked at one student in particular and said, "WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING ANYTHING DOWN!!!" I hadn't yet realized that students had drawn on their faces.
That, clearly, is what set me over the edge. I went to the bag of highlighters, angrily grabbed them, and, as the bell rang, I said, "BYE," in a voice that was 90% angry mom and 10% sarcastic valley girl.
Needless to say, I was not happy. In fact, I started to cry IN THE HALLWAY (insert embarrassed emoji) to one of my coworkers. She (thank the LORD) led me into her office and let me cry and told me some stuff about how everyone has bad classes and I'm not the only one and it's not all my fault. I thanked her, went to the track to coach my girls, and decided to run the mile with them to get some anger out and clear my head.
That helped a little. But this issue in this particular class has been a problem since we got back from Christmas break (that's LONG in school time, people). It has seemed as though it would never go away. I found myself asking God why the heck he was letting this go on for so long and asking him why he wouldn't just take it away. Why couldn't these children just listen? Why didn't they respect me? Why was I not making an impact? Why do are You setting me up to make me feel like I'm failing at the ONE THING I'm actually good at?
It's not that I hadn't been asking for God's help before. I have been. The entire year. Last week, I wrote to Him about it. And I felt like I should write my students a letter. I wrote them a letter declaring that I loved them, even though that our class was hard. I wrote every student's name down and next to it what I loved about them. I told them that I would make mistakes and that I hoped that they would forgive me, but I also said that I was going to continue to fight to teach them and to hold them accountable for their actions. Because the moment I stop doing that is the moment that I give up on them.
That did approximately nothing to help the situation at hand. I felt helpless, hopeless - like nothing would help this class. I felt stuck.
Then, Friday happened. I had wondered all night and all day about what I should do. One of my coworkers, the same one who pushed me in the office when I was crying, suggested that I just show them the movie. "It would be easier for them AND for you. It would give you all a break." Another coworker said, "Yeah, give them a little grace."
GRACE?! I thought "I've already shown them TOO MUCH grace!" I said, without even thinking.
Too much grace? Did God show us too much grace when He sent Jesus, the King of the World, to be born as a helpless child? Did God show us too much grace when He healed the sick and gave rest to the weary and called out to the poor and the helpless and the ashamed and the outcasts? Did God show us too much grace when He sent His very own Son to the Cross, the Son who knew no sin, to die for the World that broke His heart?
Yes. He did. He showed us too much grace.
I showed the movie.
Of course, we had a talk first. I said this, "Guys, yesterday was a disaster. I planned an activity that was too difficult for you guys. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me. But then you guys didn't cooperate. You talked when I asked you not to. You drew on your faces with markers. You didn't listen when I was trying to give you the answers. Do I think you deserve to watch the movie? No, I really don't. (Some students even chimed in here - saying, "No way!" and "No, especially not me.") You guys have had countless opportunities to earn tallies - even EASY tallies - and you basically throw them away. However, do I believe in grace? Yes, I do."
Student: "What's grace?"
Me: "Grace is getting something you don't deserve."
Student: "I thought that was mercy."
Me *in my head* WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??
Me *out loud*: "Yeah, well they're actually a little different."
I had a total blank on the definition of mercy. So, a student looked it up for me:
Student: " Mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm."
Another student: Like in movies, when someone says, "Have mercy!" when they are about to be shot!
Me: Yes, exactly like that. So, grace and mercy are kind of intertwined. So, we're going to watch the movie.
We watched the movie. They were quiet. They asked questions, but respectfully. They left with smiles on their faces, giving me a high-five on their way out the door as I told them to have a great Spring Break. The joy in my heart was unspeakable.
The Gospel - that good stuff - is so beautiful. It's so wonderful to know the redemption and the grace and the mercy and the LOVE of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But knowing where we've come from - from hardship, pain, disrespect for authority, chaos - is the only way we can understand how GOOD the Grace is and how much BETTER our Father is.
It's hard to live the Gospel. It's hard to show grace when they just REALLY don't deserve it. But we really didn't deserve it either, and our Wonderful Father gave it to us!
And when we do that for others, His beauty shines right through us, like a light in the darkness, like quiet in the chaos.
Even when it doesn't feel like it. Even then.
