Que?!

Hello from Spain! I have been here for almost three weeks, and it has been an adventure, to say the least. This picture of my face pretty much describes how I've felt since I've been here. 

There have been so many times that I have not understood my family's instructions solely because I cannot understand what they are saying, even though I have been studying Spanish for 7 years. At times, this is beyond frustrating, and I find myself saying "Que?" (meaning "What?") more times than I would like. The language, however, is not the only thing that is causing me to say "WHAT?!?!" 

I am studying in a foreign country. I am living with a family I have never met. I am trying to navigate my way around the city (if you don't know me, I am the worst at directions). I am attempting to make sure I maintain my relationships at home while simultaneously make new friendships here. I am learning Spanish in a completely different way than I ever have. I am trying to be content. 

And I am learning that I cannot. 

I really can't. For the first time in my life, I realize in a very real way that I can't do this alone. I can't show grace and love to the people surrounding me when I truly don't feel like showing grace and love. I cannot handle all of the newness and the change. I cannot juggle all of my relationships and handle everything in the best possible way. 

I can't. But God can. I have to rely on Him.

It's only been three weeks, and I am already questioning God. I am already asking "WHAT!?" "Why did you bring me here at this time?!" "What is your plan in all of this?" "QUE!??!?!" 

I don't know anything, and I think that's God's point. He wants me to trust Him with every step, with every breath, with every part of me. So He put me in a place where I have to do that. What a God I serve. He's making me more like Him.

I'm currently clinging to these verses: 

Galatians 5:4-6

You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Psalm 33: 13-22

From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from His dwelling place he watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those who hope in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In HIM our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You. 

Pearls

A couple of weeks ago, one of our chapel speakers told a story that touched my heart. I'm going to do my best to recount it to you; forgive me if I butcher it :) 

A little girl and her father went to Wal-Mart, getting a few of the groceries (and maybe some extra candy) they needed at the house.  When leaving, the little girl saw the machine with a cheap set of pearls for 50 cents, but she was dying to have them on her neck. She begged and pleaded for her daddy to give her the pearls, and, being the strong and unwavering father that he is, he bought them for her.  As expected, she wore out those pearls - to school, to church, even to bed!  

 Finally, after about a week, her father asked her to give him the pearls.  With tears in her eyes, wondering why her father would ask such a thing, she responded with a curt "no."  He continued to ask her this for days with rejection as his answer until she finally, without understanding, gave her father the pearls, saying "Daddy, I love my pearls... but I love you more."  As soon as she let go of the cheap pearls she had been holding onto, her father put a beautiful string of real pearls around her neck and said, "All I wanted was to give you something better than what you thought was best."

The speaker, of course, compared this to us, human beings, holding onto the cheap stuff that this world provides when God asks us to surrender so that we can have all that HE has in store for us. At first, I started thinking... "So...if I surrender my fear of the future to God, He will bless me with assurance." or "If I surrender my desire to be married, He will give me a boyfriend."

That's not it.

God doesn't replace the old cheap stuff with NEW CHEAP STUFF... What am I thinking?!?! 

God replaces everything we surrender with more of Him.

The real pearls represent JESUS.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will direct your path. 

Chipmunk Cheeks :)

If you don't know from my whiny tweets or texts to you, this is what my cheeks have looked like for the past 5 days:

CUTE..right? NO. I got my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and it was a lot less fun than I had hoped it would be. I may or may not have been in as much pain as this poor baby is in this picture. It was not a pleasant experience.  I even had to call out of work Monday and Tuesday because it hurt so bad!  I was not expecting that. 

There were some perks to the surgery.  My mom made me yummy meals and got my drinks for me. Allie came over to visit, and we just sat and watched the opening ceremonies. I was able to catch up on some homework.  Yep, that's about it... Other than that, it was quite painful. But do you want to know what bothered me the most? What made me the most irritable? What made me want to cry? 

MY CHEEKS.

How vain! I know that it's normal for cheeks to puff up after surgery during swelling, but for some reason I imagined that the swelling just wasn't going away - that the chubby chipmunk cheeks would stay to haunt me for the rest of my life. Then, I realized how much worth I was putting into my looks. This is, of course, a natural tendency, especially for girls. However, I had been putting my relationship with Christ on hold, and I started to realize that I slowly began to identify and define myself by my outward appearance, and not by the new woman that Jesus calls me to be. CONVICTION. 

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Proverbs 31:30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Galatians 2:20a

I have been crucified with Christ; and I no longer live but Christ lives IN ME.

I constantly need to remind myself that MYSELF, MY outward beauty, MY style, MY fashion, MY anything does not define me. 

Jesus does. 

41. Allie giving me a new journal!! 

42. Skyping with Linds today

43. Olympic sports are so fun :)

44. Painkillers!!!

45. My wonderful mother.

46. My boss who understands when I actually really need the day(s) off for rest

47. Resting in Jesus' grace...because that is enough.

100%

I LOVE THE OLYMPICS. 

I always have. I mean... who doesn't?  You see the advertisements on ESPN, and you just want to get up from the couch and start training. The motivational clips, even for the silliest things (like...Wendy's?), make you want to do something important - to give your all to something. These athletes train all day, everyday FOR YEARS. They eat right ALL THE TIME. They sacrifice their time, indulgences, and sometimes even friendships in order to pursue a dream they most likely have had since childhood. There is something about this that inspires, that causes us to believe in something bigger.

Is that "something bigger," a race? A competition? A game? A gold medal? Certainly not.

Of course, I am not saying that the athletes who participate in the Olympic Games aren't admirable. I'm not saying that they're pursuits are vain. The Olympic athletes manifest for us the idea of 100%. They illustrate what it means to sacrifice for something more. They give their all in order to achieve the highest honor - the gold medal.

When Jesus called his disciples, Mark records that "immediately he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired servants and followed him" (Mark 1:20).  James and John did not even question Jesus. They simply followed Him, giving up everything they had: family, security, occupations.  

Recently, my family notified me that we are moving across the country - to Wyoming. It's a crazy and weird transition, and I keep finding myself lost, caught up in figuring out where I'm going to live, where I want to be, who I want to be with, etc.  I feel like everything I've known for the majority of my life is being taken from me. While it's definitely not that drastic, and at times I can be a drama queen, it is somewhat true. But I was thinking: What if Jesus took away my family, my friends, my school, my house, my job, my hope in finding a husband? Would I be willing to give all of that up to be with Him where He wants me? 

I frequently say to Jesus, "I want to give you my all," but I haven't ever really been able to put that prayer into practice because I've never really had to sacrifice anything. Now I have been given the opportunity to do just that - trust in Him 100%. 

The Olympic Games are awesome. But Jesus is more awesome. I want to give Him my all. ALL my desires - I want them to be His. 100%.

Life is Hebel

You may read the title of this blog post and see the random picture of a boy breathing and wonder, "Now what in the world is she going to do with this?" Keep reading :)

In my Old Testament class this semester with Dr. TC Ham, we learned about the significance of the Hebrew word Hebel in Ecclesiastes.  It is translated as "vanity," in most of our Bible translations: 

Ecclesiastes 1:2

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

The literal Hebrew meaning, however is a mist, a vapor, a breath.  All throughout Ecclesiastes, the author (possibly someone named Qohelet) refers to life, work, wealth, honor, self-indulgence as this word: HEBEL. When I read this, I picture being in Cedarville, Ohio in the dead of winter, sitting on a bench, legs kicking back and forth. I slowly let go of my troubles with a sigh, a deliberate breath.  It is one of the few pleasures of winter, one of the few joys that I will write down about this cold season.  Yet, in a split second, it's gone, vanished from my eyes. So quickly, the breath that had so easily given me a slice of bliss abandons me. 

And this is life. Temporal. Quick. Vanity. Meaningless. Vapor. Breath. Mist. Hebel.

James 4:14

Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 

Paul certainly understood this concept. He wrote in 1 Corinthians 1-3 about the wisdom of God and how the wisdom of this age is useless in comparison to knowing Christ: "Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise." (3:18).  He also writes about this in one of my favorite passages in Philippians 3:7-10: 

But WHATEVER gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count EVERYTHING as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that i may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like Him in his death, that by any means possible, I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 

Oh, how I want to know Christ. How much more important is He than any earthly thing I encounter or pursue! Pursuing Him is an eternal chase. 

Yet I still find myself pursuing these temporal things. It is a constant battle. But I KNOW that anything else in comparison to knowing Christ is rubbish, is loss, is futile, is breath, is temporal, is HEBEL. 

And so, I want to enjoy life, enjoy knowing Christ and the blessings that he brings: 

35. Awesome looking clouds all day today 

36. Having silly camp songs stuck in my head at the end of the day

37. Ice Cream Sandwiches 

38. Renewed friendships

39. Forgiveness

40. The song, "What Makes You Beautiful." - it's my jam hehe

Life is short. ENJOY IT. Enjoy Christ. Enjoy love, blessings, trials. Pursue the eternal! :) Smile. 

But...Why?

At the end of April, when I'm anxiously awaiting returning home for the summer, I can only remember the wonderful things about summer, especially May:  family, sun, beach, old friends, new friends, relaxation, etc. What I don't remember is some of the awful things that accompany those wonderful things, the chief being my own thoughts.

I have to be honest.  A lot of times, I just don't understand God.  I just don't. I don't understand sadness, loss, illness.  I don't understand purpose, occupation, college. I want to understand. But I don't.  But you know what? Paul didn't either:

Romans 11:33-36:
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him, that he might be repaid? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen.


Paul, after writing about the election of God in Romans 9-11 (which I still don't know where I stand on...still don't understand...and still get upset about), writes about how God's judgments are "unsearchable" and his ways are "inscrutable."  We can't comprehend Him, what He does, or how He judges. I have to accept that. I have to understand that God is love. God is good. God is faithful. He provides forgiveness. He provides steadfast love. He knows all. I don't.


I don't know all. But I do know that I can trust and hope in my faithful and trustworthy God:

Psalm 138:8 
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands. 


Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts and I am helped; my heart exults and with my song I give thanks to Him.


What a good way to transition to my thankful list:
30. The beach
31. My sister :)
32. Sadness (Ecclesiastes 7:3 - Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.)
33. Summer classes (despite the fact that they will be a lot of work, I am thankful that I can take them :)
34. Dairy Queen Ice Cream

P.S. Please don't try to contact me or argue with my comment about the doctrine of election...That's not what this post was about, and honestly, I find no need to quarrel about it :) Thanks!

By His Wounds

WEEEEEEEEEE

No, my high school experience was not the glamorous life enjoyed by the cast of High School Musical.  I didn't fall in love.  I didn't win the basketball state championship. I didn't participate in the school play. I didn't even have (for the most part) your typical high school drama. So, I guess on a scale of total loser to high school musical, my high school experience ranks closer to the "total loser" side.  You know what, though?  I am okay with that. Actually I'm thrilled by it because I made friends that will last a lifetime in high school. How thankful I am for them and that they gave me a different kind of high school experience! (#23)

Why all this reminiscing on high school? Well, I'm doing my Spanish education clinical hours at my old high school this week, so I'm experiencing it all again from a completely different perspective.  I've been able to catch up with old teachers, coaches and friends (#24) (and even go to a yummy summer cookout after #25).  I'm filling my life this week with everything that should be providing sufficient happiness.

Somehow, though, I'm left saddened. I see hurt. Pain. High school students, not much younger than me, reaching out - crying out - for love...in any way, shape, or form: satisfaction in grades, fulfillment in relationships, and contentment in approval from friends. Sometimes I find myself judging these people (even my classmates that are now in college...) for their actions - judging them for not living better - for not making the most of their potential. 

But the real reason? Without Christ, they don't have hope; there is no hope for something better.  They hurt so deeply that they run to anything to temporarily heal it. My good friend, Andrew Connell said something so simply true last night at Bible study that really hit me: 

"These people are walking around without Jesus."

My heart aches for them. I have been convicted by this verse lately: 

Romans 1:16 - For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. 

Do I live this? Or are they just words? Do I mean it? Do I show it with my actions. I think 9/10 times, I don't. I want to, though. Oh, how I want to.

Here are some extra joy-givers I am coming up with for the past couple of days! 

26. Young Life Bible Study & Lectio Devina (sp?) - a new way of talking about Scripture.

27. Softball games

28. Older, wiser Christians, like C.Rob & Mervine at Charter. They are so inspiring to me! I so look up to them.

29. God is the ultimate healer. (By His wounds we are healed. What a wonderful truth.)

Smile. 

Love.

Forgive.