Dear Perfectionist:

You come in various forms. Let me spell it out for ya.

You could be the perfectionist who gives your very best to your schoolwork.  You will stay up until 4 AM if that's what it takes to get that totally-worth-it A, and you just can't - or won't - settle for a B.

B+? You've failed

You could be the one who labors tirelessly to make sure that the house is spotless - not even the most minuscule speck of dirt can be visible.

Otherwise, you've failed.  

You could be the one who endlessly compares yourself to every other human being, striving to achieve whatever it is they have. (e.g. "Their relationship just seems so perfect." "I wish my legs looked like hers." "He reads 4 chapters of the Bible a day!!")  Since you don't have it, you've got to work for it.  You wouldn't dare live your life knowing that the way someone else did something was the "righter" way to do it, and you missed out. So, you get whatever they've got.   

If you don't get it, you've failed. 

You could be the one who wakes up in the morning thinking about how you MUST love everyone, serve everyone, invest in everyone, never (or hardly ever, close enough) sin, never mistake, pray for 10 minutes (no more, no less), and read 3 chapters of your Bible and a devotional.

If you don't remember to do these things, you've failed. 

If you've ever said, "Dang. I just should have tried harder today. I sucked in so many ways." 

or, "I am seven days behind on my Bible reading plan. Looks like King Mess-Everything-Up is at it again."

or, "I FREAKING can never NOT burn dinner. When will I ever learn how to be the perfect husband?"

If any (or all) of these apply to you, this letter is for you. 

You are not perfect. You are not going to be perfect. No matter what you do, you will come short. Even on your best day, all of your best efforts combined would still not be enough. You can work and clean and preach and witness and remember the Gospel and be a light and serve selflessly and run a marathon and bake the best meal of all time and look like a supermodel and have a fight-less relationship and get along with all of your friends and be the head of a ministry and find the cure for cancer and and write a generation-changing novel and get all of the A's in the world ...

...and you still wouldn't be perfect.

The pursuit of perfection is a selfish pursuit. In the eyes of others, you are a "great kid," "the girl who always does the right thing," or "the goody two shoes." And in your head, you tell yourself that that is enough; that "the girl who always does the right thing" is close enough to perfect. 

But it's not. And you ache. You ache for something more, for something that changes you and gets you excited and moves you forward.  You yearn for a love so deep that it knows no bounds, not even the binding of the chains of perfection that tie you down.  You seek grace that you inhale, that seeps into your lungs, gives life to your soul, overflows, forcing you to exhale that same grace to others. You desire the forgiveness and kindness where your soul can find rest and not the expectation of perfection. 

If you are a follower of Christ, stop seeking approval from the God from whom you've already received approval through our one and only source of perfection: Jesus. 

Rest in his GRACE.

Remember his STEADFAST LOVE. 

Rejoice in his SALVATION. 

Seek His GLORY and FAME. 

Break free from the bondage of PERFECTION. 

But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Corinthians 6:11 

Love, 

A Fellow Perfectionist Seeking to Remember this Daily. 

Bastar - To Be Enough.

Nada te turbe,
nada te espante,
todo se pasa,
Dios no se muda;
la paciencia
todo lo alcanza;
quien a Dios tiene
nada le falta:
Sólo Dios basta.

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing scare you,

Whatever happens,

God is not moved.

Patience

is sufficient for everything

He who belongs to God

does not lack anything

God alone is enough.

I read this poem my sophomore year of college in my Introduction to Hispanic Literature class.  For some reason, that last phrase, Sólo Dios basta, has always stuck in my mind.  

I think that last word is what got me: basta, from the verb bastar. It means literally "to be enough." There isn't a one-word-equivalent in English, but it's a phrase, or an idea, that we use and think about quite a bit, even if we don't realize it. 

When I think about the word enough, I automatically think of food (if you know me, not a huge surprise there).  Almost every morning, I wake up a ravenous beast. I want to eat the largest bowl of cereal you can give me. Do you have a mixing bowl? Sure, I'll take it (okay, slight exaggeration). I, in my American way of thinking, am concerned that a small bowl of cereal won't be enough. It won't suffice. It won't satisfy my hunger. 

I have the same problem when I go to a restaurant. Being a girl, and knowing the enormous amounts of calories in many of the meals offered at restaurants, I often go for the "Under 500 Calorie Meal" or the "Healthy Choice," though I'd rather eat a giant bacon cheeseburger with a side of fries (sometimes I cave).   I'm never really concerned if the food will be good, just if it will be enough to satisfy my hunger.

But that question of satisfaction stretches to other areas of my life as well...

Am I pretty enough? 

Skinny enough? 

Spiritual enough? 

Smart enough? 

Good enough? 

AM I ENOUGH?  

No, I am not.

But for the first time ever in my life, I am finding joy in this truth. I cannot satisfy my deep desire for God. I cannot satisfy his requirement of perfection. I am too weak, too emotional, too doubtful, too sinful, too full of sin. I am resting in the truth that God says to me, when I am fearing my ability to accomplish His will, "You are NOT, but I AM." God, and God alone, is enough to satisfy. He covers my SIN through the BLOOD of His precious Son, Jesus. And through His blood, through Jesus, I find that I don't need anything else in the world except the presence of my God. 

HE ALONE IS ENOUGH. 

Sólo Dios basta.

God has said, 

"Never will I leave you; 

Never will I forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5b



Understanding with your Heart

Understanding. 

It is a word that has different meanings. First, in a literal sense, it means knowing the meaning of words, comprehending their significance, and applying them to your situation. This kind of understanding occurs in your brain.

There also, though, is a more figurative sense of the word, as portrayed by the rebellious teenage child when she screams at her mother:

You do NOT understand me!!! No one understands what I am going through!!!

This meaning of understanding has to do more with sympathy. It is caring. It is knowing where someone is and loving them where they are, despite how it affects you. This kind of understanding occurs in your heart.

(Are you happy that I gave you a 1st-grade lesson on the meaning of the word understanding? Don´t worry...it has significance. Keep reading please :)

Both types of understanding have been absolutely essential for my growth during my time in Spain, especially in regards to my host family.

Obviously, I have had to work really hard to understand completely what my host family and other Spaniards are saying to me.  Sometimes, I honestly cannot understand what they are trying to ask me or tell me, so I awkwardly come up with some kind of answer, knowing that many times, it is the answer to a completely different question. I have been so exasperated at times that I just settle for this type of interaction instead of truly trying to comprehend their question. Showing effort in even minute, simple details proves that you care about what they are saying.

It is only when I intently listen that I can see where they are coming from, sympathize with their feelings, and give them a hug to let them know you care.  It is only then that I can understand with my heart.

When I have given my host mom my absolute undivided attention, I have been able to understand her points of view and see things in a new light, even if I do not necessarily agree with her. I have been able to understand her words, though in a different language, and through her words I have been able to see her beautiful heart.

But I first have to understand her words in order to understand her heart. 

...Profound, huh?

But it is so incredibly true. Think about it. How many times have you been at dinner with somebody, but only half listened because you were too occupied with the number of notifications you had on Facebook? How many times have you neglected to hear your little sister request to go for a walk or play barbies because you were too busy reading a book, watching TV, or checking your email? I certainly know I am guilty of it.

People always say things like:

I totally understand. That must be so hard. 
I definitely know what you are going through. 
I cannot imagine being where you are. 

Yes, these kind phrases can be helpful. But did that person take the time to truly listen - to truly understand- what exactly they are thinking, feeling, and going through? Or did they simply listen to the problem half-heartedly, not asking any deeper questions, and skipping straight to the easy-to-say, cliche maxims that anyone on the planet could say to the person undergoing a dilemma.

My experience has been different, of course, because of the language barrier. Although it is more true in a foreign setting, I still believe that intently listening is something I have neglected greatly in my life.  But it is only when I truly listen and ask deeper questions that I can understand what they are saying. Then, I can understand with my heart.

Then, I can love. 

¿Valencia como Williamsburg?

En los Estados Unidos, he visitado un sitio se llama Williamsburg tres veces con mi familia y con mi colegio. Cuando se va a Williamsburg, se experimenta la vida de los americanos durante el siglo XVIII.  No sólo hay tiendas, tabernas, y lugares de trabajo, sino también las personas llevan la ropa de esta época, hablan con un acento británico, y realizan la reconstrucción de los hechos, como los discursos y las batallas.  

Me encantaba este tipo de sociedad porque demuestre un sentimiento de comunidad; era una cultura más lente, con personas que valen las amistades y disfrutan del tiempo que tienen. 

                

Aunque no hay reconstrucciones de los hechos del pasado en Valencia (excepto las de Las Fallas), el sentimiento de comunidad en Valencia parece lo de Williamsburg.  En mi camino del instituto, cada día pasa cafeterías, pastelerías (mi absoluta favorita), fruterías, hornearías  bollerías, restaurantes, y otras tiendas innumerables.

Siempre los españoles llenan las sillas, hablando, contando cosas, tomando café, y comiendo.  

Esto es una distinción de la cultura española, que como la cultura vieja de los Estados Unidos, me encanta.  

Cuando llegué a Valencia y Dr. Wiseman nos dijo que las reuniones con amigos no están en las casas, no entendí.  Pensé ¿Cómo puedo pasar tiempo con otras personas? En los Estados Unidos, quedamos en las casas, o a veces en una cafetería o restaurante.  Pero normalmente, si quedo con un amigo es para hablar sobre algo importante o para celebrar una ocasión especial.  Como me he hecho una parte de la cultura española, he notado la gran ventaja de las reuniones en cafeterías.  No sólo puede pasar tiempo con mis amigas y disfrutar de las pasteles uno o dos veces por semana, sino también puede desarrollar una relación nueva con las trabajadores y los dueños de las cafeterías.  Crea la comunidad verdadera – tal vez la misma persona que posee la cafetería donde tomo café compra la fruta y verdura de mi tienda. 
¡Es menos una cultura de correr, correr, correr, y más de sentar, hablar, disfrutar, como en los días viejos de los Estados Unidos! 

Que?!

Hello from Spain! I have been here for almost three weeks, and it has been an adventure, to say the least. This picture of my face pretty much describes how I've felt since I've been here. 

There have been so many times that I have not understood my family's instructions solely because I cannot understand what they are saying, even though I have been studying Spanish for 7 years. At times, this is beyond frustrating, and I find myself saying "Que?" (meaning "What?") more times than I would like. The language, however, is not the only thing that is causing me to say "WHAT?!?!" 

I am studying in a foreign country. I am living with a family I have never met. I am trying to navigate my way around the city (if you don't know me, I am the worst at directions). I am attempting to make sure I maintain my relationships at home while simultaneously make new friendships here. I am learning Spanish in a completely different way than I ever have. I am trying to be content. 

And I am learning that I cannot. 

I really can't. For the first time in my life, I realize in a very real way that I can't do this alone. I can't show grace and love to the people surrounding me when I truly don't feel like showing grace and love. I cannot handle all of the newness and the change. I cannot juggle all of my relationships and handle everything in the best possible way. 

I can't. But God can. I have to rely on Him.

It's only been three weeks, and I am already questioning God. I am already asking "WHAT!?" "Why did you bring me here at this time?!" "What is your plan in all of this?" "QUE!??!?!" 

I don't know anything, and I think that's God's point. He wants me to trust Him with every step, with every breath, with every part of me. So He put me in a place where I have to do that. What a God I serve. He's making me more like Him.

I'm currently clinging to these verses: 

Galatians 5:4-6

You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Psalm 33: 13-22

From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from His dwelling place he watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do. No king is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those who hope in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and shield. In HIM our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You. 

Pearls

A couple of weeks ago, one of our chapel speakers told a story that touched my heart. I'm going to do my best to recount it to you; forgive me if I butcher it :) 

A little girl and her father went to Wal-Mart, getting a few of the groceries (and maybe some extra candy) they needed at the house.  When leaving, the little girl saw the machine with a cheap set of pearls for 50 cents, but she was dying to have them on her neck. She begged and pleaded for her daddy to give her the pearls, and, being the strong and unwavering father that he is, he bought them for her.  As expected, she wore out those pearls - to school, to church, even to bed!  

 Finally, after about a week, her father asked her to give him the pearls.  With tears in her eyes, wondering why her father would ask such a thing, she responded with a curt "no."  He continued to ask her this for days with rejection as his answer until she finally, without understanding, gave her father the pearls, saying "Daddy, I love my pearls... but I love you more."  As soon as she let go of the cheap pearls she had been holding onto, her father put a beautiful string of real pearls around her neck and said, "All I wanted was to give you something better than what you thought was best."

The speaker, of course, compared this to us, human beings, holding onto the cheap stuff that this world provides when God asks us to surrender so that we can have all that HE has in store for us. At first, I started thinking... "So...if I surrender my fear of the future to God, He will bless me with assurance." or "If I surrender my desire to be married, He will give me a boyfriend."

That's not it.

God doesn't replace the old cheap stuff with NEW CHEAP STUFF... What am I thinking?!?! 

God replaces everything we surrender with more of Him.

The real pearls represent JESUS.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and HE will direct your path. 

Chipmunk Cheeks :)

If you don't know from my whiny tweets or texts to you, this is what my cheeks have looked like for the past 5 days:

CUTE..right? NO. I got my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, and it was a lot less fun than I had hoped it would be. I may or may not have been in as much pain as this poor baby is in this picture. It was not a pleasant experience.  I even had to call out of work Monday and Tuesday because it hurt so bad!  I was not expecting that. 

There were some perks to the surgery.  My mom made me yummy meals and got my drinks for me. Allie came over to visit, and we just sat and watched the opening ceremonies. I was able to catch up on some homework.  Yep, that's about it... Other than that, it was quite painful. But do you want to know what bothered me the most? What made me the most irritable? What made me want to cry? 

MY CHEEKS.

How vain! I know that it's normal for cheeks to puff up after surgery during swelling, but for some reason I imagined that the swelling just wasn't going away - that the chubby chipmunk cheeks would stay to haunt me for the rest of my life. Then, I realized how much worth I was putting into my looks. This is, of course, a natural tendency, especially for girls. However, I had been putting my relationship with Christ on hold, and I started to realize that I slowly began to identify and define myself by my outward appearance, and not by the new woman that Jesus calls me to be. CONVICTION. 

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Proverbs 31:30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Galatians 2:20a

I have been crucified with Christ; and I no longer live but Christ lives IN ME.

I constantly need to remind myself that MYSELF, MY outward beauty, MY style, MY fashion, MY anything does not define me. 

Jesus does. 

41. Allie giving me a new journal!! 

42. Skyping with Linds today

43. Olympic sports are so fun :)

44. Painkillers!!!

45. My wonderful mother.

46. My boss who understands when I actually really need the day(s) off for rest

47. Resting in Jesus' grace...because that is enough.